I Left FTI

I left FTI today, I figure I deserve it and no I'm not really looking for pity or anything, I'm typing this to deal wtih the hurt I'm feeling, no other reason. I guess it took some brutally honest people to let me see what a bitch I am...so thank you to them.

I don't have much to offer right now, I feel empty, I left FTI, I've been there for so long now, t's practically a home, but despite my selfishness telling me I could still go there as a guest, I just don't feel like I belong, not now that I've seen how badly I've hurt people, tore them apart. I probably dont' deserve this blog either...sorry I'm posting...I'll just go..

May 7th, 2007 (??)

Because of prom I've lost track of the days so I'm hoping that today is the seventh but if it isn't I hope you all understand. Well, prom isn't all it's cracked up to be which is what I expected. It was fun..I guess. I went to Noodles and Co. with my friend Jennifer beforehand and we got a ton of stares and attention which was entertaining, and after that we got hot fudge sundaes before we finally drove to the resort where prom was being held. And although we weren't that late, it was still extremely difficult to find a place to park, so we parked in a dirt field. Which was entertaining when we were walking out of is and our high heels kept sinking into the ground...kinda freaky too. Well the room wasn't as I expected either. It had a TINY dance floor that covered like 1/4 of the room while the other 3/4 was of tables and chairs. So the dance floor was packed body to body and really really hot!! Most of us were dancing in between the tables to avoid dying of a heat stroke on the dance floor. I didn't slow dance with anyone, I just daned with the girl friends. So prom wasn't that great dance wise. But afterwards, I drove home and change dinto pajamas, picked Jennifer up and went to After Prom. Which was FAR better than prom. There were go-carts, lasertag, inflatable obstacle courses, battletech, mini golf, and all kinds of fun things to waste time all night doing. It was a ton of fun an in the course of the night, I fell on my bottom in front of a ton of hot guys, apparently got hit on by the guy running the go carts (so says Sammi) kissed Sammi's neck, said ridiculous things, and didn't win any of the prizes. But all the same After Prom made it really worthwhile. As for today it wasn't a good day, my cell phone was taken away. My band teacher yelled at us and stormed off again making us feel like c***, and ebcause my phone was taken away I ended up hanging up on my mom. So my mom was mad at me. And it just felt like s*** the entire day until I started talking with John. So thank you John. -xoxox ToRiMiley

May 3rd, 2007

Well I don't really know what to write today. I had a strange sense of power in the fact that my clothes were so hideous. It was almost like I was making a statement that it's not about what you wear but rather how you wear it. I had people looking at me all day and I didn't let anything faze me. Before jazz band I normally go to the band room to talk with Ethan about just about anything I feel like. And today he had a CAMERA! I was shocked, and so I sprinted down the hallway and avoided pictures for a short while and ended up hiding behind a stand rack, but he found me and got like two or so pictures of me. It was very entertaining actually.
So dressing ugly was the biggest part of my day I suppose. Other than that I realized I got a 98% as a total in my Honors Pre-Calculus class and my teacher thinks an A is attainable if I do all my homework. See, that's precisely the problem....I hate math homework, don't need it, don't want to do it.
Other than that...hmm....well, Prom is on Saturday and so Ihave Friday to do all my homework since I'll be out late on Saturday and probably sleeping and being lazy on Sunday. Still no date, by the way, so if you figured I would have one *coughJohncough* you were wrong. I still don't know where I'm going to dinner beforeheand. I'm trying to stick with Jennifer but she hasn't given me any details really and anywhere we go is bound to be booked now..
I'm really hoping to get a job for the summer soon, and when I mentioned thast during math class Austin basically guaranteed that he could get me one at the commissary. I think I'll take him up on that offer but I'm not sure yet, lol. Cause a good friend of mine, Andrew, who used I used to go to gymnastics with works there and apparently he talks about me all the time and I'd hate not to live up to his implanted expectations of me (he like admires me because I was basically his personal coach in gymnastics from the very start).
Yep...hmmm what else is going on...? Lots of tests coming up whether it's in my course, or in an AP forum, or ACT...so yeah I'm going to be a LITTLE bit stressed so I'm sorry if I come off as cranky; if I do just tell me to go to bed.
<3 To my man.-xoxox ToRi/Miley

May 2nd, 2007

Well today was just another normal day in my life. Although tomorrow is going to be EXTREMELY interesting because this is prom week so we have events each day. The event for tomorrow (with what you wear and stuff) is to dress in the UGLIEST outfits you can. And I decided I'm going to participate and I pieced my outfit together. it's atrocious! I'm wearing a tealish t-shirt with a reallypukey green tank top over it and a camouflage cami over that (so like FIVE mismatched shades of green on top) and a DARK red big necklace over that. Then on the bottoms I'm having orange and black striped soandexy pants, then on that I'm having BRIGHT pink shorts, and I'm going to be a skirt on over that but tuck the majority of the skirt in to look like more of an idiot. And then I'm going to have one plain white long sock on one foot and a knee high blue and red sock on the other, and mix shoes and do crazy hair. Maybe I'll take pictures because I'm doing whatever I can to look HORRID (Ha ha..I know..you don't have to do much Tori..). I still don't know where I'm going to dinner for prom, four people have invited me places. The origina group I want to go with is going to a steakhouse it's like...yey...a salad for me. Not! I want noodles and italian or something. So I was invited to two different Italian places and I really don't know where to go so gotta figure that out. OH! And I have the most AWFUL tan lines ever for my strapless dress. See, my arms are like brown now thanks to lacrosse season but my upper chest is WHITE...so it's going to look really funny if I don't find a spray on tan or a bronzer or something before prom. And I think I'm going to get my hair in an up-due and I'm sorry but I HAVE to post pictures of me in the prom dress and me in my horrid outfit tomorrow. It's just TOO tempting!! Okay so about today...mmm....my ex was such an a** about touching me today that I literally had to slap him before he got that I was serious. Which this sucked because we had a substitute teacher who thinks I'm like a bad kid or something and thinks that I was slapping him for no reason. *growls* MMm I got my AP United States History test back and I got an A+ on it which was exciting!! Oh, and we had a really retarded assembly about driving smart and safe on prom. It's like, kids won't listen. Those of us who will don't need the assembly to tell us so, and those of us who aren't, aren't going to listen to the assembly so all in all it was pointless. It was funny thought because during the powerpoint presentation the people on both my sides (Dylan and Ana) were sleeping in exact mirror image, like they were both leaning away from me on the armrest with their heads rested on their palm and their other hand resting on the exact same leg. And at one point they both moved in and switched arm rests so now they were both leaning into me still mirroring each other. It was actually pretty funny seeing as I was bored out of my mind..but it probably was a you-had-to-have-been-there thing. Tomorrow is the Junior Varsity versus Varsity lacrosse game. Hmm wonder who's going to win? All the same, it should be fun and coach normally lets Varsity mess around when we're like ten to zero. Well I think that's all that's going on other than I'm almost done with The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I seriously recommend this book, I love the storyline and Howard Roark is AMAZING!! Also her writing is magnificent. Really, I love it. And after I finish The Fountainhead it's on to reading my friend's book. Yey! And my own book is in circulation so far it made....five people cry at parts. I don't like the storyline so much but rather my characters. It's not very advanced in comparison to Ayn Rand but I honestly like it and you don't improve unless you try so yeah. And of course..there's my boyfriend John. Today he did a lot of sweet things for me, including posting/dedicating a song for me, and giving me a REALLY sweet post about how much he loves me *beams.* And I love him too. I'm glad I got to talk to him today even though I was unexpectedly ordered to go and pick up my sister...which sucked but hey I got back and got to talk with John more. OH and we got a room here on the website so no worries. I guess that's enough for now. I love you all..I just love John a LOT more. (Sorry! >_<) -xoxox ToRi/Miley

May 1st, 2007

Today was hard academically. I had a math test for one thing and on the non-calculator portion I got a 94. I'm proud of it but I made a stupid mistake witht he quare root of sinx answers and forgot to put them in negative as well as in positive which made me frustrated since on a similar problem on the back page I remembered. I don't know what I got on the calculator portion yet. Math is a strange subject to me. It appeals to me because teacher's attitudes towards you can't change the fact that you're correct, (like in an English essay, a teacher can mark you down for whatever they feel really, whereas in math if you have the right answer there's not much they can do to make it somehow wrong). I like the fact that Math is universal, that we're doing the same math here as in Germany or Cuba, or Vietnam, or Japan. It's incredible that out of basically everything in the world it's one thing we share. At the same time, I hate it. I'm good at it, I find it dull and unexciting. I can sit in class, and listen to my ipod, look up every once in a while, know what's going on, ans answer the problem, then go back to listening to music and get a 94. I have a hard time motivating myself to do homework for that class because for me it's not necessary. I can learn without it when it comes to math, even in honors pre-calculus. Other than that, I had another "test" in AP Language and Composition, it was a practice test for the AP test coming soon and I didn't do too amazing in my opinion so now I'm incredibly worried about the upcoming tests. I don't have a large enough vocabulary I've decided, so I guess my next project is going to be reading books and looking up every single word I don't understand completely..which is dull but hey, I have to learn it somehow. Then there was German Club, where I'm the secretary (in German National Honors Society I'm the Vice President) so I had to count up the accumulated throughout the course of this year and determine who will be lettering And only like 8 out of 20 are. That's pathetic. I don't understand how people without any after school commitments or anything like that can be so lazy whereas people like me who are very concerned will take time before and after our activities and make time for working for the club. Ah well, maybe it's just a joke for some people. Just gets frustrating when those of us who try have to pick up the slack of those who don't. I made a fool of myself in Psychology when I didn't know any of the psychologists, I have a MAJOR problem remembering names and what they did without faces to pin it to and searching faces down would take FOREVER! Lacrosse season is officially over (if we had had one more win we would've made play offs) meaning my running and gymnastics are going to start back up to take up some of my free time, but most likely I'll be on here even more utilizing some of my time, (I know, I was like never here before *rolls eyes at myself*). Well, today my friend Sammi mentioned that she was going to try to hook me up with some guy from another high school...I'm not excited. I told her so myself that I wasn't interested but she doesn't seem to get it and seems vehement on her idea of making sure I have a date for prom. Right now I still don't have a date, but I wouldn't enjoy myself at prom with anyone but John..and maybe my friends. I got to talk wtih John today and to read his diary. I feel badly about the long distance. I wish I could feel his embrace and everything but in a way, as corny as it sounds, I already can feel him. I just hope he can last until this summer when he'll be coming here to visit me. We'll take a ton of pictures for you all, and a few extra just for the two of us. *grins* I know we can last that long and WAY longer. I love you John. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/26/07

Well, I was really stressed out about today. First I went to school and was there for the "meeting" which I left early when I saw my anatomy teacher who told me that the cadaver lab field trip was still on. So I went on the interstate and drove for what seemed like much too long as I left behind most civilization and was really seeing the more desert-like part of Colorado, but then I found the exit and had no problems finding the college and the room we were supposed to meet in. I was unfortunately in the second viewing group meaning I sat around for a while, but then I finally got to go and see the cadaver. It was VERY interesting. I've seen two dead people before...one was my grandmother (the only grandparent I had ever known) and the other was a girl from my school who hanged herself...anyway though, they atually still resemebled people, it was no doubt that they were the same, that they were real. The cadaver looked fake in comparison but I'm assuming that's because it had such a heavy embalming process. It was an old many of eighty-four who died of health problems triggering by his smoking (his lung was all black and purple and squishy, I should know, I held it in my hands [wearing latex!]). But I'm not normally bothered by dissecting things, however weird that might sound. My partner is the weak stomached one, but she's really smart, so I usually do the dirty work such as cracking the rib cages of a cat or a rat, and cleaning out the icky dried blood, and just in general handling the inner organs while she'll help me to identify and memorize so I suppose we're a good team. Anyway, on a less disgusting note- Then I drove home because I had about two more hours of which I was excused of school. That's when I came onto my usual forums and posted about wasting time. Then I returned to school to turn in my psychology game project whch was supposed to be due a LONG time ago. And after that I had lunch, and then went to AP United States History (which was boring but luckily she didn't make us take the test, yey!). I didn't get to talk with my boyfriend today. And I sincerely hope he's sleeping right now, he should know we'll have most of the day on the weekend to talk so he better be in bed right now resting. *sighs* I really miss him...I couldn't stop thinking of how I wished he could've seen me play in our lacrosse game today.. Oh, speaking of which-we slaughtered them. So that's one of the three last games which we NEEDED to win. As for tomorrow, I have to come in early to take a cat practical I missed, then I have a test in Honors Pre-calculus (gag me), and who knows what in AP Language and Composition. And then in the afternoon we have a game against I don't know...our third or fourth biggest rivals? Although the team we slaughtered today tied with the team we're playing tomorrow, so if we played like today, we should win. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading if you still are. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/25/07

Yes, it's me again. I was shocked to discover only an hour or two ago that my district has already cancelled school for tomorrow. I feel like a lazy a** because I'm trapped inside with like no room to run or exercise very well, so I feel like some fat lazy lard just sitting here on the computer, or in front of the TV trying to entertain myself. I feel a little bit better when I'm writing one of my stories but I'm still being lazy, just making my characters do some work feels nice at times I guess. So, since you're a new diary you don't know a lot about my past, so I thought I'd take some time to enlighten you and any readers a bit although much of it would be boring, and if I were to write an autobiography it would undoubtedly never sell or make big bucks. Regardless I am bored and this is how I'm going to entertain myself. Well, from the time I was very little, I remember wanting to be a grateful dancer-I also remember wanting to be able to fly. I can vaguely remember my mom taking me to a gymnastics place and for a while I guess that satisfied me, but although I can't remember why, I also remember being taken to many dance studios after a bit of gymnastics. It must have been decided that I preferred dancing to gymnastics because my mom ended up signing me up for dance classes. I was never worried about my weight, I would eat as much candy and sweets as I wanted because I knew I would burn them all off within hours. I was a dancer, a dancer who danced about 20 or so hours a week. I lived to dance, and I loved to dance. It was my way of expressing passion, of challenging my body beyond it's limits and moving the end line over each second as I forced it to do the impossible, to turn out more, to stretch further, to hold longer, to get me higher and higher into the air. To soar to new heights. I loved dance...dancing was fun and very quickly, I was rising with my age group to new heights. As we all entered competitions for the first time, a new intensity from dance emerged demanding more and more hours. It was consuming my entire being. And for a while, that was okay... Then came the end of middle school...relationships were starting, people would invite me to sleep overs that I would turn down because I knew if I went I wouldn't sleep enough to be able to dance my full potential the next day. While people around me were blossoming with friendships I wasn't. My friends in dance knew more around me than my friends in school, my friends in dance were really the only people I interacted with other than my mom and dad who would drive me to and from dance (leaving me there for hours each day) and bring me food or pencils so I could eat and do homework during the breaks. I strictly remember a time (which is pertinent a little later) when we were learning a large group dance. In the dance, my teacher called me over and told me I was to be lifted. I was ecstatic! For once I would finally fly with only my dancer friends holding me up in the air, I'd be as close to the sky as I ever would be. Like I said, I had always wanted to fly...but then because I was taller, and heavier than another girl, when the girl came in, she was given my liftee part instead. I was to be a lifter of someone smaller because I was one of the tallest dancers...I wanted to cry. I remember being SOOO mad that my body was tall, that I was heavier because I was taller, and that I couldn't fly because I was heavy....now moving on from this story back to my life being consumed by dancing. I realized, that competiting dance wasn't making me happy anymore..dancing had been something I always did because I loved it. And competition had always been something I did because it made me better, but because my own motivation didn't match my new teacher's. I was miserable. ESPECIALLY because a group of dancers (one my best friend) was going to our rival dance studio and considering transferring there. Everyone knew this, and those who were loyal to my dance studio despised those who were leaving. My best friend at the time, Kayla, slowly was leaving the studio and everyone was sure I had gone with her (to this day I haven't set a foot in another dance studio). I was hurt, and now my dancer friends hated me. Kayla left the studio, the one girl I stayed loyal to when everyone hated her left me at the dance studio. I couldn't feel more alone than I did. I quit competiting-it was only depressng me further. And at the time that was okay because competition and advanced classes weren't required to be the same. So I could take advanced classes without competing. I made friends at school and saw doors to many opportunities I could take if I cut back on dance. So when the new year's dance class schedule came, and I saw you weren't allowed to take advanced classes without competing in them, I knew I couldn't take advanced classes anymore. I took an intermediate class instead and often taught or aided the teacher in teaching. The girls all knew I didn't belong there, but it was okay, because I was dancing, that's all I ever wanted, and all I ever needed. I had friends at school, and my first few boyfriends. And yet-I felt my skills fading. My muscles were changing for their new demands on new sports such as lacrosse. My legs were getting bigger, instead of being slenderly muscular. My body was changing, I got boobs, I got more fat. I realized I hated my body. I turned to something many dancers are familiar with, anorexia. I had to be lighter, I just had to. I stopped eating..but unfortunately parents, friends, everyone noticed. So I had to wait...I relapsed a few times trying to earn my dancer body again without going to the dance classes. And yet again I was caught. I thought vomiting my food would be easier, so I tried, but I couldn't self induce vomiting. Bulimia wasn't an option. And finally I thought I'd get my head on straight. Just run, I thought, run everyday and burn calories. I would go on long runs, not keeping hydrated well because I didn't like running with a water bottle. I would run for an hour-two hours each day, and do yoga/ pilate moves at night. I felt better about myself, but my body felt worse. One morning I woke up in my bed with terrible stomach pains, I might've fallen asleep but looking back from how suddenly it was, I think I fainted. When I awoke I dashed into the rest room and fainted, when I woke up I started barfing on the carpet, throwing up multiple times. My mom heard me and ran to the rest room. She says I looked like paper, and told me I probably had the stomach flu. That if I could make it an entire day things would be okay. So I went and laid down on the couch and put in Lord of the Rings, planning on watching all three and more movies to distract myself throughout the day. I piled blankets on me and put a trash can at my side totally prepared. I'd be watching the movie and feel slightly numb...yet pained at the same time, and wake up to my dad beside me holding my hands and calling my name. I thought after the third time fainting that morning that this would stop. But I kept fainting. Four times in six hours. So my mom called the E.R., even though I was sure I didn't need it, she brought me in, when I walked through the door, a man asked if I needed a wheel chair. I felt foolish but I took it and was wheeled back to get my blood pressure. The lady laughed the first time she took it, sure she had got the number wrong, but frowned. It was a 74/38. Maybe because of my brachycardia, they thought I was going to die or something so they rushed me ahead of the waiting list and into a room where they put people who need critical attention. Hooked me up to monitors and an I.V. I ended up getting five I.V's, three salt I.V.'s and two sugar ones. I had been dehydrated. They determined, and although I didn't say it, I knew why. Over exercising, I had exercised myself almost to death. I remember wanting to die as I laid there, it was so painful, so humiliating, so...awful. I now understand the significance of blood pressure that low, and how awful it feels... But all I had wanted was the old body I had once had...that's all I still want...I still want to be small enough, to be pretty enough to be a dancer. To be able to fly.. Well there's a lot more to my life but dancing was a huge part of it so here was my talk about part of my life, for now. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/17/07

I've been doing a lot better at school in exchange for sacrificing most of my free time (as you can see not all of it because otherwise I woudln't be on here). I feel so antisocial anymore, I only talk to close friends when I'm not busy reading a novel for English or dioing other homework assignments. Lukily the end of the school year is in my reach and it's hard for me to grasp that I'll have to endure yet another year at this school before I'll be free of it, almost everyone I've ever met thinks I'm older than I am, for once I wish I was. I'm tired of immaturity, not the funny, cute kind of immaturity, the rude stinging, insulting and degrading kind that I see so often in the hallways. I do feel a lot more content now that I've boosted my grades all back up, I guess my entire life I've sought out perfection or as close as I can get to it-so in capitulating to my desires to relax and slack off, I always was getting really hard on myself for not doing what I ought o be doing (which thanks to my mind being on Psyhology mode-was my id taking over from a weak ego and my superego trying to tell me I was going adrift but I refused to listen..anyway...). I actually had a psychology test today, I don't know exactly how well I did, but I thought I knew everything in the 3 and about a half chapters I read (out of four). Then again this could be a display of overconfidence but with the chameleon effect, mere-exposure effects, and others I felt like I understood the concepts thoroughly. *shrugs* We'll see in the next few days how I really did. I still am trying to discover what I want (other than good grades, good body, good lacrosse skills, success, eventually a family). I'm trying to figure out what I want now, some goal to strive towards and I keep thinking that maybe it's finding a date for prom. Because I know no one will be foolish enough to waste their time asking me so if I'm going to have a date as always it will be from my accord. And I know this is completely pointless and not at all meaningful really but, just because I want a date I don't want it to be just anyone. I'm sure I could ask an underclassmen and then yeah, have someone to go to prom with, but what would be the point in being their tool so they could go to prom a year before allotted? And also, I don't want it to be a one night thing-that was my issue with asking Dylan. To ask him would be to step beyond boundaries, he doesn't want a commitment, and part of me doesn't either; which that is another thing making this difficult. It's like...even when I'm embracing someone with as much strength as I can-at the same time I'm pushing them away. Or even when I'm standing a mere few feet away, me and everyone else are worlds apart. Something is separating us, something that I swear is almost tangible. Maybe I haven't found the right person yet. Who knows...I shouldn't be dwelling on something so pointless and insignificant. We have a big lacrosse game tomorrow, against our biggest rivals basically...we have never beat them. I don't think this year is the year either but I am trying to stay positive and I know we will give them a run for their money regardless of victory (although I want it..). Today is my golden retriever's, Amber's, 6th Birthday! I love her sooo much, she is such a cute puppy and yes, she still acts like a puppy. I've never seen a more energetic and adorably stupid loyal sweet dog at her age ever. So we're going to celebrate by trying to make her fat (not really but I'm kinda worried about spoiling her) by giving her a vanilla ice cream cone! So I guess I bored you all with enough pointless information so here it is, I'm off. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

Haven't Been Up to Much Lately

All I've been doing really is applying for jobs, and wasting time over Spring Break. I'm still aiming towards finsihing mys tory by the end of this break so I can bring it to school for a few people to read. Send me a message if you'd like it to be sent to you as well.

Other than that I joined another forum today, Kind of interesting but it needs more members. That's about all I have to say.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Update on my Life

Hey everyone, wow it's been too long since I checked in here. So I went through with my decision to take a break from FTI but it's SO hard to stay away..I will be back in April as soon as I can possibly be.

I know that my life has changed for the better lately, I don't think I'm over-exercising yet so instead I'm becoming fit, and healthy and I'm okay with some of the aspects of how I look. Like Accutane is helping a lot with my skin I'm so happy I finally found something that works for me. My hair isn't that bad, and I feel strong and fast, etc.

My grades have gone up, which makes me extremely proud of myself. And lacrosse is going well. We've won three games and lost one so we're doing EXTREMELY well. And other than that I'm not doing much other than listening to my ipod.

I hope everyone else's lives are turning for the better, I don't have much more to say other than that, so signing off,
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Lately..

I'm wondering whether to leave FTI or not. It's not the same forum I was once a part of. I was so ready like an hour ago...but I was working on homework and when I was done I went online and went straight to trying to help people and editing posts. I don't know if I can leave...I care so much about helping the site, I care so much about a lot of the people there. I don't think I could leave...

Other than that all I've been going is trying to change my thought process to a postive one so I could love and respect myself more. I've felt a change, I'm a lot happier..things are going my way except for FTI. I really miss Yan...oh well...he doesn't miss me.

I wanted to make a shout out for Heather, my sister. Her Birthday is tomorrow. So yeah..

And finally I think I'm going to run away..
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Good news!

I officially have made VARSITY LACROSSE!!!!
Sorry it just feels good to know I achieved something I've been working towards for a while now. And tomorrow is a play day in which my team faces two of our biggest rivals. It's our first "games" of the season. So please support me if you're still reading this.

And Heather-
I hope that even though you're taking a break from FTI you don't take a break from me. It would be really depressing not to have you in my life....I love ya sis.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Another day another drifting closer to my eminent death

Basically nothing special is happening.

Lacrosse try outs are still happening and we have a play day on Saturday where we're driving up and playing like three or so games and spending like four plus hours away from home.

I still feel fat...I wrote a bad poem about that and posted it on FTI. But I don't think it quite explains how I feel. I don't think one can understand unless they have an eating disorder or negative self image issues maybe...

Hm, I don't know what else to say, so I'm going to end this with a bye bye for now. And thanks for reading this boring update on my life.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Umm not too much is up..

More try outs happened today. We ran a timed two mile. I came in first again but I honestly didn't think I did that well...I did it in 14:39. Better than last year but I think I could've done better, I didn't stop but I should've ran faster the entire time-I think I could've handled it. Lacrosse drills went well, I was able to incorporate my left hand more. And I even went so far as to score twice left handed (an accomplishment for me). Other than that I was really depressed this afternoon. Because despite my efforts, and successes, I feel like I'm not godo enough. Coach finds something to criticize but does it in a cool manner. I could take criticism it would make me a better player, but the way she delivers is just wrong-it's more ridicule than anything else. Ah well....

I was depressed because my mom came in and informed me that I have a D+ in APUSH right now...I'm trying hard but I just can't get that class figured out and into a system. It just doesn't work for me. I've been doing the best I can and I'll keep fighting for a C or better...my mom felt bad-it wasn't her fault. I've just felt too criticized lately, some POSTIVE REINFORCEMENT would be nice for once...to be told I did well. And I can't count on myself for that-my judgment is too skewed.

So if you're reading this-that is the lame update. And if you're not great we'll I'm just another of the trillions and zillions of websites out there. :)
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Prom Dress

So my tests failed horribly so I'm going to just give you links instead.

Here is my prom dress sorry about the bad angles...

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7153/dress1lt0.jpg

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/4877/pdressmi5.jpg

See normally I go for black but this time I went for blue...hope that's all right...and doesn't make me look like crap...
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Test

I want to post pictures of my prom dress so this is a test..

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Today..?

So today I was out all day...

I had lacrosse practice early and our team ran the pacer test. I was rather happy with my results. When I ran it as a freshmen I had gotten a 54. This time I got a 70. And my mile run time was okay, it was a 7:20. Pretty good for not being entirely in shape as I wish I had been.

After that I gave my friend Chris a ride home and then drove home. My mom and sister wanted to go shopping. So for the rest of the day that's what I did. I was shocked umm apparently I went from being a B cup to being an A cup again. >_< Good and bad. I don't want to lose boobs, I want to lose ass......but at least this shows I'm losing fat.

I got a prom dress. It's blue and pretty and I'm excited to go to prom even though I'm like guaranteed not to have a date. Ah well, I'm going to try to make boys feel bad for not asking me. If there are any out there who care ya know?

Basically after that we came home, and then left again to go get dinner. So yeah that was my boring day.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Rewind and Review of the Past Few Days

Nothing special has happened really...

On February 20th (aka Mardi Gras) lacrosse try outs began. I basically felt really tired and my hips really hurt, but luckily I was given free arch supports that have been really beneficial to my hips which only hurt every now and then. I think they might be inflammed.

Right after practice I went to Mardi Gras tired and looking like shit. But all the same I was the German National Honor Society Princess. And we were called up during the ceremony to pick a cupcake. The person who found the little toy baby in their cupcake would be queen and king. I didn't want to eat the cupcake, I had already forced myself to eat some noodles to appease my friends. So I just picked at it and immediately felt something hard in the center. The baby was in my cupcake! That was so weird, I hadn't expected that to happen at all. So for the rest of the night I was wearing a tiara on my head and doing the waltz, and chicken dance, and macarena (I think I spelt that wrong..I'm sorry). But basically I guess I had a good time overall (my hips were hurting though). I mean, I never would be popular or pretty enough to be Homecoming Queen, but I was given the opportunity to be Mardi Gras Queen and I was. So I got a chance to shine fatness and all.

Other than that the past few days have been dedicated to long but fun afternoons of lacrosse and late nights accomplishing homework or trying until I collapse.

I had a practical on the cat's chest and back and arm muscles today. I think I did it wrong, I kept using long head of tricep and lateral head of tricep when I think I was supposed to be sayin tricep brachii. Oh well.....worse things happen.

I think I'm doing all right though. Just have three math assignments and an english essay to write this weekend on a book I never read. And I need to read The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald. Ha ha...good luck Tori.

Oh and I have lacrosse practice/try outs today so I'll be extremely tired. Oh well. It's worth it. It's worth all the tedious hard work when you're dashing down the field with the ball in your stick. The most dangerous player on the field. And when it's you versus the goalie. And you shoot and score. It's the best feeling in the world....

Oh and Sadies was yesterday. So I didn't tell the guy I thought I liked that I liked him, I didn't even go. So I guess things worked out for the best.
Anyway, I'll post more later.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Pretty Fat Princess

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Update On My Boring Life

So I threw my just because party yesterday.

It went well other than it wasn't asbig as I had planned. I invited like thirty people, and only ten or so came. And almost all of them hadn't R.S.V.Ped to my invitation. And people who HAD R.S.V.Ped didn't show up. So that was confusing and slightly annoying but hey I got over it and had fun being competitive at Twister and DDR, and Guitar Hero II and dancing and stuff like that.

Mainly I've just been living. Going to and from school, preparing for lacrosse try outs as well as waltzing as a princess on Tuesday (Mardi Gras). And currently I'm under election or something to be an FTI Grandmother (although I swear I'm not old...and the thought of being old disturbs me so I'm a YOUNG grandmother, as in a 17 year old grandmother).

Ah well. It'll be fun to have that relationship with FTI members I guess if I do win. And if I lose then yey I'm still young! Hm, I saw the poll but I don't think it'd be right for me to vote in it. Because naturally as a human being I have some desire to vote for myself but I think it'd be more fair and everything if I voted for Echos. Ah well, what happens will.

I'm going to go and see Ghost Rider (a movie) with my family today. So that's always something to look forawrd too. And on Monday my friend Jennifer wants me to come over and watch Saw III with her (last year she and me and a few other girls threw a 'Sawfest' and watched Saw I and II but I haven't seen Saw III yet and I want to so yeah that's always exciting). Other than that nothing really is up or new. So yeah.

Thanks if you're still reading up on my boring life. I love ya'll.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

V-DAY (dun dun dun..)

You want to know what's sad?
I kept fooling myself. Like, I went ahead and did the whole flowergram plan. And I just kept telling myself that my life is going to be like a fairy tale for once. I kept telling myself that I'd be in school and this student would walk in to deliver the flowers, and call my name. And it would be from someone saying they cared. Saying I was good enough, that I somehow earned or deserved the flower gram. I was wishing beyond wishing that I could walk around showing off my flower and not let this Valentine's Day be like any other Valentines Day.

There's a reason that fairytales are only seen on paper. Because they don't come true.

So, I went to school and beforehand (and I felt so guilty about this by the way), I went and bought a bag with a ton of nerd boxes inside. So I didn't have any specialized Valentines. So I gave EVERYONE a box. Like anyone who I know their name and one fact about them. Even people I didn't know well I gave a Valentine....but I didn't get any. Not even one. I mean, call me...I don't know....immature or whatever. But my best friend didn't even remember me. Granted she said she didn't remember anyone, but I thought I could at least count on her.

Then every girl in the school was given a paper heart to wear around her neck, and I walked around with it avoiding talking to any guys because if you did you had to give them your heart. So it was a miserable day...no fairytale. I guess that even though I pitied that one guy enough to buy him a flowergram, that I'm even lower than that or something because I wasn't remembered at all....I don't know. Maybe I'm selfish because I want to be rewarded. But that's not entirely it..I just want to feel cared for for once...
Ah well..another V-Day (Single's Awareness Day) come and gone..
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Thoughts/Boring Post V

As I'm sitting here chewing on my poor retainer, I realize that the only things going through my mind are mainly about my future but even more so about the people in my life. This lets me realize that it is the people who I care about who give me the drive and motivation to keep going. To keep living...

I guess these are my thoughts..or boring post V

So I was talking to Dylan again (the guy from like all the other boring posts I've made here) and I don't know. He's acting semi-differently but that might just be him being nice. See, I was telling him abou tmy plan this Valentine's Day*. And he kept telling me what a wonderful person I was. I told him I wasn't because my intentions behind it were somewhat selfish. Despite the fact that I wish to brighten up someone's day, I also want the reward of knowing I did well and I also believe in karma so I believe by these good deeds I'll receive some in return. Therefore I'm selfish. but he argued with me. And when he suddenly had to go to work he was sure to tell me exactly where it was street name and all and told me to visit him. I couldn't though because I had a lacrosse tournament.

Oh yeah and the lacrosse tournament went okay I suppose. We played our worst enemies and rivals and lost by like 5 points. Which is pretty good considering they go to state every single year and we never do.

Back to Dylan, I don't know, he's never been like that before he just randomly leaves and he was acting like he wanted me to come visit. But yeah, I'm pretty sure we're just friends..although I will be honest because this is basically my journal. The other day when he was walking out of my school way ahead of me, I knew even if I yelled he wouldn't hear me. So I took out my car keys and when he walked by my car I pressed the alarm. He just paused and turned around and smiled at me. I will admit he looked extremely attractive to me at that moment and my heart did flutter a bit. So regardless of whether I like him as more than a friend...I know that I think he's extremely attractive when he smiles...

*My plan this Valentine's Day is to make everyone else's day incredible, because sure as hell no one is going to do this for me. For example, this one guy who everyone dislikes-I'm sending him a flowergram wishing him a good day and signing it from "a friend". I figure he hasn't received a Valentine since back in Elementary School days when you were required to give a Valentine to everyone in the class. So I thought it might brighten up his day. Also, I'm throwing a just because party this weekend and inviting people who haven't been to a party in years. They seemed very very ecstatic about this fact.*

So we'll see how the next few days go.

FTI is going pretty well right now. There are more ads than I would like. Sisko is off with whatever is going on in his life (and I miss him...), Doc Ashley returned (inserts clapping/applause sound here), I don't know where Adam is...and Echos is busy with a musical or something I think she said. So I'm basically the only moderator there again..?

I don't really know what else to say right now???? So I guess this was more of a BPV than a Thought blog but whatever it's my blog and I'll do as I want.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley
P.S. I love you forever if you're actually reading this..

Boring Post Part IV

Yeah I was wrong the last time I had thought when I posted a Boring Post (wow it was just earlier today wasn't it? Amazing...) and this is actually four because I didn't have a Boring Post Part III I don't think.

Anyway..
I motivated myself quite a bit today. I went on a walk with my mom. I read an APUSH chapter and did an APUSH chapter packet without cheating or anything. And then I went online on the website for my AP Psychology book and I did Prologue-Chapter 7 Quizzes One and Two for each chapter. So I had 240 test questions I ended up answering and it took ages but hey I'm finally caught up. I still have more homework to do but this is the largest dent I have made in a homework assignment in ages! So I'm proud of myself for that retarded accomplishment.

I'm throwing a Just Because Party on Saturday. Quite frankly when I told my mom about the idea I was expecting her to say no and lecture me for about an hour but she said that I could. I guess after seventeen years of life she's finally letting me get some freedom. So tomorrow on Monday, I'm passing out little invitations to like everyone including my ex-best friend who had betrayed me last year (because if I don't give it to her she's going to find out because we have sooo many mutual friends). And basically there's going to be DDR and Karaoke going on upstairs while downstairs there's going to be a stereo with dance music playing, and twister in the other room in my basement, (I love twister). And my mom will be buying snacks and drinks for everyone. So basically it's just going to be the largest party I have every thrown. It'll be complete with the standard card games, and bowl of skittles (my friends and I normally play that one game when you close your eyes and reach into the bowl and withdraw two skittles and if they don't match you put them in your mouth but can't chew or eat them, and when you get two matching skittles you chew and try to swallow all the skittles in your mouth. This game is revolting and hilarious the only downside is I HATE swallowing them so I prefer to spit out the enormous glob and give up rather than succumb to the calories).

I'm so glad the musical is over with, now I can concentrate on other things...

Like school and lacrosse...and the fact that the only social life I have is on the computer...

Well, with lacrosse I have a tournament to complete on Monday concluding the indoor lacrosse league and I'll be sure to tell you all how it went when it's over. But it's an honor that we made it that far as it is.

Yeah so I definitely have this marking scar thing on my arm from Saturday. See, we had to take down part of the set before we could go to the cast party and I'm allergic to wood....the set is made out of wood. And without realizing it I started breaking out in hives and again without realizing it I scratched my arm and it ended up bleeding! So now I have an ugly mark on my arm...great.

But yeah what else can I fill into this totally pointless thread..

Oh yeah and back to my Just Because Party. So I'm totally inviting boys and girls. The last time I did that I was like four and I went up on our brick fireplace and sang a solo for everyone. Yeah I used to be a very very outgoing freaky little..thing. But yeah, I actually had to do that last year for everyone on my sixteenth birthday party. See, on my party my mom dug up the tape and showed everyone me performing with my bear. So I had to go and get my bear and perform for everyone. But that was my price because afterwards my mom had gotten me a limo and we all went for a ride inside of it. It was incredible. I never thought she'd do anything like that for me but then again I guess you only become sixteen once.

It was also amazing because she wrote notes with riddles leading me to where each of my presents were hidden and if you looked in the notes enough it had hints as to what the gift was. She must've put so much time and effort into that. I love my mommy...she truly made Sixteen Sweet despite everyone else trying to ruin it.

So yeah I think it's about time I stopped blogging and instead tried to finish my APUSH homework or start my math homework or something. I need to get my grades up.
Ttyl.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Random I guess..

Okay, what the fuck is wrong with my body?

So I've been anorexic and exercise bulimic before but I have been healthy lately. I've been eating two meals a day I've been eating enough.

I lost five pounds.

I don't know why or how this happened. All I know is that it did and now my mom is going to accuse me of not taking care of myself.

It's so bittersweet. I'm so happy I lost the weight but upset because I don't understand my body anymore.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

What people mean to me?

Hey I'm going to be a copycat now. In Heather's blog she wrote something about people being defined. But I'm going to be a LITTLE original and instead post what people mean to me or something...

To me, Heather means understanding and kindness. She comes off as my sister and very good friend.

To me, my friend Katie means happiness and life. She comes off as the other half of my soul because we are so much alike. She also is my safety net, she saved my life last year.

To me, Yan means harmony (this is probably going to sound lame or something) because he seems so perfect but like he's had so many issues he's fighting against darkness. He comes off as a good friend who will be brutally honest.

To me, Amber means joy and caring. She comes off as someone who I really care for and want to keep in my life.

To me, Josh means fun and laughter. He comes off as a little brother I wish I could have in reality.

To me, Jerrett means creativity and peace. He comes off as an amazingly talented person who despite his talent isn't stuck up and he's also a dear friend of mine.

To me, Fallon is passion and hiding. She comes off as a person who is so full of life and so full of courage and strength, but she's too afraid to live it to the fullest and to show her true skin.

To me, Cindy is almost like a rose. She's so beautiful and magnificent but she doesn't have the ability to see that in herself and sometimes she wilts in the winter and is down on herself during that down time.

To me, I am failed potential. I have the skills and workings to be someone great and magnificent but I never make it that far.

Hm I don't know who else to include right now...
Besides it's probably a dumb copycat idea anyway..
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Boring Post Part....Four?

Yeah so I'm definitely posting for the sake of posting because I'm bored out of my mind. See I just read an APUSH chapter about Woodrow Wilson and progressive crap and reforms so I'm like drooling and trying to awake again. But I'm VERY proud of myself because this is the first time I've done my APUSH homework in ages! ^_^

And I do have more homework left to do but I'm happy that I actually did any and this is the homework that I absolutely despise doing..learning about United States history...shoot me.

I have one week off doing nothing before lacrosse try outs start. And I still have Mardi Gras and being the German National Honor Society Princess and waltzing to look forward to. Joy to the fricking world. (I waltzed for the musical and now I have to waltz in front of anyone who decides to go to the celebration).

Oh yeah, and for fun I wrote the Epilogue of the story I'm writing on a separate sheet of paper. I'm so excited, the ending makes me smile and I'm getting to the point where I actually might be able to finish! *giggles*

I've decided I'm not going to go to Sadies. Unless something incredible occurs on Valentines Day or something but most likely that's not going to happen. But yeah..I don't think I like that guy that way so I don't even want to get into the same bad situation I got myself into last year. And besides, my school is doing this Heart Break Bash thing and I think I actually might go. Lol. It sounds amusing...

And Heather got a blog which is absolutely amazing. I love my sister! And she's about the only person who reads my blog anyway so yeah. Yey for her getting a blog!

That's all I have to say for now although I just got an idea for another entry so if you're Heather you'll be reading that soon (or maybe Josh or maybe Dani seeing as they have commented on mine..)!
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Drama

That's the only title that would fit for this post.

So I've been doing the musical production of Cinderella for my school. Tonight just happened to be my last night so I got home from the cast party and stuff and the musical is over.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the people who made it horrible. Who made me question myself and made me cry out of frustration, sadness, hopelessness etc.

I'll try to do this in increasing importance order.

So firstly, there was the costume crew (they got better but the first night-sucked). Okay, so I have to be a mouse who turns into a horse and then have like a ten second costume change before I come on as a ballroom dancer. Well, the first night I came rushing into the room, this is a tiny room we're talking about with literally ten costume crew people standing there with our dresses. I hear the other three girl's names called and I ask, "What about me?" And no one says anything, apparently they FORGOT I existed. So I had to get my dress myself (couldn't move well because there were three extra girls just standing there) put it on myself, and I got out of there before anyone else. Keep in mind, I'm a dancer, I have been for thirteen years, I know how to quick change. But I was insulted. They remembered everyone else other than me. And I wasn't going to just take that, not anymore. I'm not a doormat anymore. So after the ball was over and the clock struck midnight and the curtains closed, I went back to the dressing room to change into my townspeople outfits. I didn't say anything but by my actions they could tell I was pissed.

Them: "Why are you upset?'

Me: "I don't know for being forgotten maybe?"

Them: "It won't happen again."

Me: *Looks around the room at the five of them just sitting there* "And why are there so many people in here? It takes up valuable room."

Them: "Look Tori, we need two people for each quick change."

Me: "We aren't statues. We can do some things ourselves, therefore, we don't."

The next day there was less people in there and it worked. They apologized to me because I was right, and I apologized to them because I was rude. End of story, I don't have a problem with them but I was just sharing with you.

Now this is the real reasonf or this post. See, our musicals have always been in the fall and maybe in the winter too with a straight play in the spring. Well every year for either the winter musical or the winter play, our director announces next year's productions in the program. Well a program happened to catch my eye yesterday and so I saw that he had changed the musical to the spring.

I wanted to scream.

I participate in lacrosse during the spring.

Well, my mom saw the program that night too and asked my director why he did it? And he basically said for a change to gain and lose people. I suppose I'm worth losing then.

Well, then today for our first performance he saw me in his office when I was asking for a band aid for a blister. And he told me about my mom being upset. And I told him I knew this. He told me that just because it was in the spring not to think they couldn't work around my schedule. So I was confused at this point. He continued to say he could make there be evening practices and I guess I let some of my hope rise back up again, and then he continued on saying that then of course I would have to be a dancer again.

Don't get me wrong. I love dancing with a passion. But dancing has consumed thirteen years of my life. When I came to high school I told myself I was going to do something different and tried out for the musical. I've made it every year but I'm always every dancing role. I'm truly honored and I have treasured each moment as a dancer-but I really want my time to shine. My time for everyone to see me, to remember my name, my lines, my song, I want people to come looking for me after I have my own private bow and remember my characters as well as my own name. I want the glory I haven't had. And next year is my senior year-I had thought that all of my years here would be worthwhile in my senior year, and I realized from what my director said that I was never going to be anything other than a dancer in his eyes. So I told him I just wanted to get through this year and left crying thinking that Cinderella was suddenly and unexpectedly my last musical...and the bitter thought of no one ever remembering me...

Well then later, when I returned for the second show, Shelby (a friend) walked up to me and asked me if I had talked with our director. I told her I had earlier and she told me I should talk with him more about it, because he had told her that he would "move mountains" for me to be in it. He had told me that as well. But all I could think was, "If you can move a mountain for me, then move the musical back to the fall..."

Suddenly I'm important to him.

I tried not to think about what my director had said and instea got ready to start getting dressed or hanging out with people when my music director came and asked if I was Junior. I said yes and she clapped her hands together with glee telling me how much she looked forward to working with me next year. And I told her that probably wasn't going to happen. She asked why. And I told her that lacrosse was in the spring and now that the director had moved the musical to the spring I couldn't be a part of it. She seemed upset.

Then I went and sat on the stage with a circle of cast members. My director came out and told one of them a note on something to improve then told me that he and I needed to talk more before he sat down next to me.

Time to talk I guess...?

He told me that I had compeltely misunderstood what he had said the other day. And that he had meant to say he would work around my schedule.

I finally had the guts to tell him in words and in person, that I didn't want to be just a dancer my senior year. That my entire life I have been a dancer and that part of the reason I had joined theater was to do something different. And that I had enjoyed my time dancing but I had wanted something more too. He told me he understood and also told me that he knew he had been using me as a dancer for some time now. He then continued to tell me that I wasn't wrong in thinking that and that I was a jack of all trades to him. That I could not only dance, but also sing and act. At this point the dancing director came on stage and listened for a few before asking if I was a junior and celebrating when I said yes.

I continued to tell my director that I couldn't ever shine like have lines or a song if I couldn't come to daily practices. Apparently that's not true. He told me he would make evening practices for me and also that there are a ton of female characters in the Pajama Game who had lines and singing parts (I don't know if this is true or not). Of course by that point I was crying. And I told him I had been upset because I had thought this was going to be my last musical and was still unsure. Then he told me he wasn't willing to let me go until I walked down the aisle with a cap and gown to receive my high school diploma.

I'm so touched. But then I just keep thinking of things he said. How blocking could be afterschool and dancing could be in the evening. Yet again, I'm stuck in the dancer mode...maybe he doesn't understand that that's what I want to avoid for once. I want to be someone blocked with lines and a name. Someone who's character is remembered and who everyone is searching for after bows. I've tried to explain that to him-that on my senior year I want to be remembered and he seems to understand.

Why am I suddenly so worthwhile and valuable to him? He's not talking to anyone else the way he is to me. And my music/dancing/regular directors all suddenly seem convinced that I'm like a rising star necessary for the musical. It's just shocking when for three years you've been the nameless smiling forgettable chorus girl in the background, in the shadow of someone with a name.

I don't know what to think anymore..

My dance director keeps telling me how proud she is of me. I don't know why they suddenly want me. I haven't gotten that feeling for three years. I've gotten the feeling that I was just a dancer in their eyes. Although my director today told me (and my cast members who were watching me bawl) that he didn't look at me just as a dancer.

He told me to be more concerned with my schedule and whether or not I thought I could do it rather than worried about not being considered for a larger part.

Saying one thing, and doing another...actions speak louder than words.

I'm not sure if he's saying this because he still wants my dancing skills or if he's saying it because he actually means it.

I never knew it would mean so much to me to be in the spotlight and remembered. Maybe it's because you see everyone walking searching for "Cinderella" their eyes tracing over the random dancer girl, maybe occasionally getting a standard good job.

I've paid my dues, I've been obedient and given it my all. I want my chance now...

I just wish he would move it to the fall...that would fix everything for me...
Sorry for this stupid post.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Regression..

I'm looking in the mirror and all I can think about is how fat my cheeks look, and when I look at my torso how I have a gross...bump...or whatever of fat on my abdomen. It's disgusting.

And then I try to distract myself, but I'm always feeling my legs trying to tell if they're getting wider or thinner, trying to see if my thighs have lost anymore fat.

It's constantly on my mind. I'll be sitting in a class and see some skinny girl and start comparing about how much fatter I am than her, and whenever I'm forced to eat with someone it's almost a competition for me to eat less (lately I've been eating meals so I'm proud of that).

What I'm coming back to isn't anorexia, it's exercise bulimia. But this is the more dangerous of the two for me....not that anyone should have either over the other. But see, last time I went exercise bulimic I was in the hospital all day and had five bags of IV fluid and if I had needed another (in other words if my blood pressure didn't rise high enough from 74/38) they were going to give me a blood transfusion.

But I just want to be one of those thing people so bad...I want to be the person who others look at and just can't help but think that I have a nice body regardless of their sexuality.

And exercising is addicting...I get such a feeling of elation I don't normally have when I force my body to and past it's limit. Like, today for instance I had pre-season training at Peak Acceleration. And I did a plyoboard work out with elastic bands tied to my body as well as holding ten poud weights. I was sweating so bad but I couldn't have been more proud of myself, and then I ASKED to do more. To go and do blocks...I didn't have to, I asked too because I wanted more...I don't know....that might not mean anything to you but all this is adding up to one thing in my mind.

I'm regressing.

My Rant

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Boring Post Part II

So.....I talked In BPPI about a guy I was considering and had basically decided to ask to Sadies. Well, I was trying to think of a way to ask him and I kept drawing a blank except for maybe to go to his first period red day class and write it on the board for everyone to read or to ask his teacher to put an overhead up with me asking him on it (I know the teacher and she doesn't like me so I doubt she would do this for me. And on top of that I'm not in that class anymore so I couldn't see his reaction and if he said yes out of pity I wouldn't know because I wouldn't have seen his reaction).

And then I thought of asking my friends to give him notes throughout the day hinting that it was me. And um, I don't know, I couldn't think of much to put on the notes.

And then I thought I could have a friend tell him he was being challenged to a boxing match on a note after school in the wrestling room (he LOVES boxing). And I keep telling him we're going to spar sometime and he seems to look forward to it. But I figure:
a) wrestling team might be in there
b) he might not be able to come
c) I might not know the best way to ask him to Sadies while trying to win against him boxing

Just none of my plans seemed either plausible or cute or anything enough.

So today he came online and we talked a bit and I figure hey-I could just ask him to go with me straight out without anything cute. But I really don't think he'd say yes, he mentioned how he thought he had been a jerk this weekend because he's afraid of commitment and he always mentions that he's a jerk and stuff after he's blown a date with a girl.

And my worst nightmare would be him saying yes to me when he really wants another girl to ask. Because most likely-he will say yes. Hey, I'd say yes to ALMOST any guy who asked me to a dance (except for this creepy stalker guy). So I'm betting, he'd say yes. So I'm left with three scenarios:

1. He says yes to go to the dance with me because he likes me. And I go to the dance with him fall in love and we live happily ever after. .oO(Yeah...right...)

2. He says yes to go to the dance with me because he feels guilty.
2a) But then he gets asked to the dance by a girl he likes and shuts me down
2b)But then he gets asked to the dance by a girl he really likes and goes with me anyway because he feels bad and doesn't enjoy himself at the dance so I feel bad
2c) He has a horrible time at the dance because he didn't want to go with me at the first place. Oh, and he tells everyone EXCEPT for me how he isn't looking forward to it.
2d) He has a horrible time at the dance and at the dance tells me so and ditches me there

3. He says no
3a) Because he has already been asked
3b) Because he is hoping someone better will ask him
3c) Because he doesn't want to go
3d) Because he's busy
3e) Because he just doesn't want to go with ME personally

Okay so that's more like ten or so situations. But really the negatives are outweighing the positives and I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's been asked or not yet but the longer I wait the more chance he will already have a date and not be able to come to the dance with me.

I FEEL LIKE A RETARD! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Bad news...

Okay, so I was IMing a friend from school and she informed me that my school is doing the school-wide activity they did my freshmen year...

See, on Valentines Day they give a girl a paper heart on a yarn necklace and the girl has to wear it all day and not talk to any boys. If a girl does she has to give the boy her necklace and the boy with the most hearts by the end of the day wins...

This was torture last time we did it. It was like I became visible to the opposite gender and NONE of them would leave me alone. Heh, heh but I kept my heart the entire day. Actually one time I told this one guy to eff off but he didn't hear me so I got to keep my heart.

Great though, another thing to make the fourteenth worse.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Boring Post Part I

Apparently I'm becoming a vampire according to my mom. I'm apparently:
-pale
-stick thin
-tired looking
-and I never leave my room

And apparently those traits are all those of a vampire. Maybe it makes sense, seeing as I AM anemic...who knows.

So this is another worthless pointless post from yours truly because I'm bored and if anyone is still reading I guess then it's okay to update so they don't get bored like me. Yey.

I motived myelf today, imagine that. I know...it was hard. I had to sign up for an account on turnitin.com for my english teacher *rolls eyes.* Dang, no more plagiarizing, shucks (if you can't tell I think it's about the stupidest thing ever). And then I finished another chronicle (chapter) of the story I'm writing in my free time. And then I did laundry, it was amazing I actually did stuff! But then I sat down to write my English paper and my motivation kind of committed suicide so no more accomplishments for today.

I'm still contemplating Sadies. The dance when the girls ask the guys to the dance.

I'm pretty sure this one guy from Cinderella likes me, let's call him T. And this other guy, F, he kinda seems interested too...(he's always tickling me and flirting but then again maybe this is in my imagination).

It's hilarious actually. Because T is totally obvious and basically stalks me. He always ends up standing beside me, trying to flirt with me. And if I don't laugh at one of his jokes, he'll stand right there and tell me he's a failure because he couldn't make me laugh. Oh and he asked me to be in this dance he's choreographing and I looked at his planning (positions) and I'm ALWAYS right next to him.

Now, this is the strange part. So this one girl in Cinderella painted a note on our stage asking Nate to the dance. So while we were practicing it was still written on the stage. So F comes up behind me and starts a conversation with me something like this:

F: "So, have you asked anyone to Sadies yet?"

Me: "No, I'm not even sure if I'm going to go yet."

F: "Oh, I see...well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm Muslim, and um that we can't date."

Me: (In my head) .oO(Okay...cool..?)

F: (outloud): "I just wanted to tell you so I didn't like break your heart or anything. I mean it's not anything new but I just can't date."

Me: *Laughs* "How arrogant are you?"
and how arrogant is he? He just assumed that I like liked him or something because I talked with him and he flirts with me! *shrugs* Boys are so messed up.

There's this one guy I wouldn't mind asking but the thing is:
a) I don't like him as more than a friend...at least I don't think so.
b) I don't think he'd say yes.

See, he and I have a lot in common, we both like fighting and being physical. And we both have been involved in drama in the past (he's not in Cinderella though because he's boxing). I found out during the whole Evan experience when I was talking to him about it, that at one point he had liked me and I told him I had liked him at one point (true, at Homecoming I realized I kept looking for him and I danced with him the last dance when I had realized I liked him at the time..). But like, I bet he's moved on and like I don't want to embarass myself, but a comment he said about Sadies a while ago keeps coming to mind..something about how he was hoping that some girl would have the guts to ask him to go so he could try something new ya know and stuff like that.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a fickle hopeless romantic and searching desperately for someone to care for and to care for me. But I really do want to enjoy this Valentines Day and not just sit there all day wishing beyond all hope that someone would care enough about me to make that day amazing.

And I am realizing that I can't stop thinking about him. During our "advisory" class (which is a worthless class in which we do nothing) he and I always sit there joking about it, or classes, or anything really that comes to mind. He's cute to me, and like I said we have a lot alike...I think I should do it.

Doing it and being wrong or getting turned down would be better then not doing it and looking back and wondering...

Okay, I'll do it. But just how should I ask him? 0.o I don't know how to ask someone in a cute or sweet manner. I do know how to go up to a guy and just straight out ask but I think I'd want something different than that...ideas....?
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Class Schedule

Didn't know what to write today so I thought maybe my thoughts on my registration for Senior year would suffice.

Okay, so I knew from the get go that I'd be taking AP German. German language has really been one o fmy strengths throughout high school and I just knew from freshmen year that I'd take it. So AP German.

I have to take another english course so I thought hm why not continue on my pathway and do AP Literature. I am in AP Lang and I've never had a problem with english so yeah.

I want to be a psychiatrist. So I thought a stronger background in Chemistry would look good to colleges. So I'm taking AP Chemistry (I've already taken honors).

I gave in to what my peers and teachers were saying about colleges frowning upon students not taking math. I wasn't going to, but they coaxed me into it. So AP Calculus.......(no lower Calc class).

Then I decided to slack off. I love P.E., so I figured, I'd get in shape with Weights and Fitness. And have fun in Team Sports.

And Show Choir was so I wouldn't have THREE P.E. classes, and it's anothr slacker class for senior year.

So yeah...

So the plan is:

Semester One:
-AP German
-AP Literature
-AP Calculus
-AP Chemistry
-Weights and Fitness
-Show Choir
-Lifelong Team Sports One

Semester two:
-AP German
-Ap Literature
-AP Calculus
-AP Chemistry
-Total Fitness
-Show Choir
-Lifelong Team Sports Two


Yep, nice pointless posting! ^.^

I'm a Princess!

So I'm really flattered but also worried...

See, I'm the Vice President of German National Honors Society at my school. I probably do the most of my club and I set up e-mail and other systems of doing things and always participate in our community service of recycling. Basically I'm one of, if not the most active member in that club. So everyone knows me in it.

Well Mardi Gras celebration is coming up and all the foreign language clubs and honor societies work together to create this social gathering with dancing, partying, and food and stuff like that. Well, there's a tradition that a male and female from each group is elected as Prince and Princess and obviously from my title of the post, you can guess what happened.

I didn't want to be princess-well, I did. I think deep down every teenage girl wants a chance to shine and be noticed above everyone else. Well, a few meetings before elections, Frau brought up the elections to remind us to come to the meeting next week. A guy named Steve laughed and said, "Well obviously Tori is the Princess." I was so flattered that he had said that but also dreadfully embarassed.

I forgot about it by lunch because I mean, it's just some guy saying his opinion...but Meredith, another member DIDN'T forget. As soon as I sat down next to her she sends me almsot a scowl and scoffs, "So you think you're going to be the Princess?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. We have elections next time to find out who will be."

Meredith: "Well, do you want to be the Princess."

Me: "Well yeah...but I mean who doesn't...?"

It was then that I realized, that Meredith was pissed at me because of a comment some guy said stupidly.

So today was elections.
And first we voted for the Prince. And someone said Steve (imagine that the guy who predicted me being the princess), and I seconded it simply because Steve had been going on and on about how he didn't want to be the prince.

Then Frau asked who should be the Princess. And Steve automatically said, "Tori."
So I shouted really loudly and pointed desperately at her saying, "MEREDITH!"

So Frau put it to a vote and selected me as the first vote....everyone except for my ex-boyfriend and Meredith and me raised their hands. So yeah, I was pretty much elected the Princess.

I tried to let Meredith get the Princess...I really did. It was going to be me without a vote if I hadn't nominated her with so much enthusiasm. But like....it's bittersweet. I feel guilty, but it's not my fault they voted for me. And I'm so happy that I get to be a Princess...it's just so hard to feel happy without feeling guilt....I don't know..just a rant...
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

What to do...

Hmmm, I've been thinking to myself and I honestly don't know how to act this Valentine's Day.

Ah....Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day is a holiday with good intentions but has been abused to make slutty or extremely lucky girls have an excuse to brag about not being single, while girls like me get to sit there and hand out Valentines to friends and families and pretend I'm just as happy as the taken girls....*growls lightly*

Last year was the first year I had ever gotten a Valentine from a guy, (except for the required ones everyone in the class has to give to everyone in elementary school) but it was creepy because I had asked this guy to Sadies (in case you don't have it, it's a dance at my High School near Valentine's Day when girls have to ask the guys to the dance).

Story time. So, I asked this guy, Doug, to Sadies last year, you see, I meant to ask him as a friend, but he cut me off saying yes eagerly and I didn't have the heart to correct him. All Sadies he was stalking me. Um, yeah I know that's hard to explain seeing as he was my date, well, think about this, how would you feel if you had to go to the bathroom, excused yourself and went and then came out to find your creepy date standing right there waiting for you! On the dance floor regardless of fast or slow song he felt the need to pop my personal bubble, I mean even when we were standing by the snacks and talking with friends I could like feel his chest pressing against my shoulder....and during slow dancing he drew circles on my back sincerely freaking me out...I don't know, it was overall creepy...

So on Valentines Day he gave me a rose and asked me out. I felt horrible, but I had to refuse...I was too creeped out-it felt so wrong.

So yeah I have like the thirty boys from each of my elementary school classes and my creepy last Sadies date Doug who have ever given me a Valentine. Oh yeah, and my friends.

Well, that time of year is coming around. People are already talking about Sadies and I don't know what to do. I feel lame if I don't ask someone to go with me, but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to or liking anyone. And after my Evan experience I'm not sure if I'm ready to get into something if it's misinterpreted like it was with Doug. So yeah....this is one post I think I want comments on....

I have like two guys who I think would say yes and I wouldn't mind going with as friends. I don't know...I just have this really large desire to feel loved and cared for...so yeah.

Yet another post (filled with "So yeahs") from yours truly,
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Lacrosse Game

Hey everyone!

I'm all kinds of happy right now because I just got back from my indoor league lacrosse game. ^.^

AND I DID AMAZING!
Call me self centered and I just won't listen to you because I'm on endorfins and because I scored THREE times!! Not one...not TWO....but... THREE times!!!!! I've only ever done that once before so yeah very proud of myself.

Although it kind of didn't count as three because for one of them I got a crease violation, which means I went into the goalie sphere...ah well. I'm still counting it because it was a good shot.

And what did upset me was my coaches reaction after I shot with my left hand. She like got MAD at me for venturing out when with any other girl I would've been praised for trying to take a weak handed shot. She yelled at me from the side, "Tori, if you're going to take a shot regardless of what hand shot you take, actually put your all into it. Otherwise, don't shoot." So then I got pissed, got the ball, charged in and shot the ball right handed and naturally scored.

See, my coach has a grudge against me that I'll post about later....for now I gotta go and eat dinner and stuff.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

FTI

Yeah so things were pretty hectic and crazy on FTI. See, I think it was yesterday, virusag made three more moderators. Sisko, Adam and Chuck. I know Chuck and I have had our differences in the past but apparently he's had some differences with a few other people. Well now he's banned and saying he's not coming back even if given the opportunity (on another account of course). So yeah....two new moderators now. And congrats to them both!

So I'm kind of stressed about school and I'm having a REALLY hard time getting motivated to do anything in school (especially in APUSH). It's just that time of year when I've lost enthusiasm for school and school work. Junior-itis is a bitch.

So yeah nothing else really to write about just thought I'd stop by like promised.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Past Few Days

Okay so apparently I'm about the dumbest red headed blonde girl there is. I've been trying to sign on to blogger for the past few days using my display name when I should've been using my email. I tried every password I've ever used on any account and none of them worked. So after freaking myself out to death I was about to go and register again and make another account like Voltaire_Girl2 or something, when it asked for my email address and I suddenly realized, hey maybe you're supposed to sign in with your email address. So I tried it once and got in immediately....goes to show you how I've been lately.

Lately I've been falling asleep in my APUSH class. Which APUSH stands for Advanced Placement United States History class. Not only do I have no interests in the many documents that formed the nation I live in, but my teacher SUCKS. She could put a kid who is high off of sniffing dry erase markers and drinking whole liters mountain dew fall asleep. So yeah I've been falling asleep and my grades have been dropping...*shrugs* Something to talk about I guess.

My school's talent show was last night. It went really well other than they stopped our music during our dance, so I did what any dancer would've done at a competition and kept going. Luckily my two partners did the same although one of them wouldn't stop telling me the obvious, "The music stopped!" And while we kept going the sound booth started the music again so we also had to improvise something there, so I stood did a fancy dancer run and leapt off of the stage and apparently they followed suit. So yeah didn't end up that badly.

And other than all this stuff I had this one guy named Evan from my psychology class catch me when I was down from being dumped by my ex-girlfriend. Evan told me all these things about how he liked me and he wanted me to be his girlfriend so yeah, I ended up being a bit physical with him. I gave him a blow job and a hand job. And yeah naturally as everyone does, he threw me aside saying he didn't know where I had gotten the idea he wanted me as his girlfriend and that since I was one year younger it wouldn't work out no matter what happened. So yeah, I was basically "double-dumped."

I guess shit happens but it still hurts....

Anyway, I don't know what else to write about, just wanted you all to know (if there's anyone there) that I figured it out and I know how to get back online again.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Things That Make Me Happy

(Sure a nice random post for you all while I continue to try to figure things out):

-good grades-when I finally motivate myself to not procrastinate and I do my homework and get it done-being appreciated-exercising-friends definitely!-when it rains-when it's hot enough for me to wear a skirt comfortably or run in the sprinklers-flirting-being flirted with-making someone smile-making someone laugh-feeling like I helped someone-deleting ads-changing insults into compliments on the FTI Photo Gallery-FTI in general-puppies or dogs-cats (if they aren't mine)-sunset-dancing-gymnastics or acrobatics-playing music with either a great dancing beat or amazing lyrics in my car and singing with the windows rolled down not caring what anyone else says or thinks about my music or my singing-any form of PDA, like holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.-chocolate...shouldn't eat so much of it though...*-*-summer-being alone "me-time"-finishing writing a story-writing a story period-losing weight or fitting into the next size down...(it's true..I feel ecstatic)-winning like any competition I'm a very competitive person -roller coasters and thrilling amusement park rides-dreaming whether it be during the day or the night I am fascinated by my dreams and I never want to wake up, just want to keep seeing this story unfold in my head-being able to laugh: at a joke or my own stupidity-the color orange-computers (I was bawling when mine broke..ask Dan lol)-corny things-chick flicks-horror films

Hey

Hey everyone!
I'm not into the whole myspace thing, but having an online diary....hmm I don't know what might be kind of neat. Lol. Yeah I'm such a retard using words like "neat" anyway...

Nothing important happened today. I had a very cool conversation with Cindy and Amber that quickly heated things up a bit. Quite enjoyable I must say.

I was forced against my will to go to church, the only good thing about this is the fact that I'm in the choir so I'm improving my voice through this. Maybe next year I will get a good part in the musical because of this weekly practice and then performance. *shrugs* Oh well, I'm basically guaranteed a dancing role. So yeah this is my entry for 1/21/07 I suppose.
Until next time I get the opportunity to bore you.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley