4/26/07

Well, I was really stressed out about today. First I went to school and was there for the "meeting" which I left early when I saw my anatomy teacher who told me that the cadaver lab field trip was still on. So I went on the interstate and drove for what seemed like much too long as I left behind most civilization and was really seeing the more desert-like part of Colorado, but then I found the exit and had no problems finding the college and the room we were supposed to meet in. I was unfortunately in the second viewing group meaning I sat around for a while, but then I finally got to go and see the cadaver. It was VERY interesting. I've seen two dead people before...one was my grandmother (the only grandparent I had ever known) and the other was a girl from my school who hanged herself...anyway though, they atually still resemebled people, it was no doubt that they were the same, that they were real. The cadaver looked fake in comparison but I'm assuming that's because it had such a heavy embalming process. It was an old many of eighty-four who died of health problems triggering by his smoking (his lung was all black and purple and squishy, I should know, I held it in my hands [wearing latex!]). But I'm not normally bothered by dissecting things, however weird that might sound. My partner is the weak stomached one, but she's really smart, so I usually do the dirty work such as cracking the rib cages of a cat or a rat, and cleaning out the icky dried blood, and just in general handling the inner organs while she'll help me to identify and memorize so I suppose we're a good team. Anyway, on a less disgusting note- Then I drove home because I had about two more hours of which I was excused of school. That's when I came onto my usual forums and posted about wasting time. Then I returned to school to turn in my psychology game project whch was supposed to be due a LONG time ago. And after that I had lunch, and then went to AP United States History (which was boring but luckily she didn't make us take the test, yey!). I didn't get to talk with my boyfriend today. And I sincerely hope he's sleeping right now, he should know we'll have most of the day on the weekend to talk so he better be in bed right now resting. *sighs* I really miss him...I couldn't stop thinking of how I wished he could've seen me play in our lacrosse game today.. Oh, speaking of which-we slaughtered them. So that's one of the three last games which we NEEDED to win. As for tomorrow, I have to come in early to take a cat practical I missed, then I have a test in Honors Pre-calculus (gag me), and who knows what in AP Language and Composition. And then in the afternoon we have a game against I don't know...our third or fourth biggest rivals? Although the team we slaughtered today tied with the team we're playing tomorrow, so if we played like today, we should win. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading if you still are. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/25/07

Yes, it's me again. I was shocked to discover only an hour or two ago that my district has already cancelled school for tomorrow. I feel like a lazy a** because I'm trapped inside with like no room to run or exercise very well, so I feel like some fat lazy lard just sitting here on the computer, or in front of the TV trying to entertain myself. I feel a little bit better when I'm writing one of my stories but I'm still being lazy, just making my characters do some work feels nice at times I guess. So, since you're a new diary you don't know a lot about my past, so I thought I'd take some time to enlighten you and any readers a bit although much of it would be boring, and if I were to write an autobiography it would undoubtedly never sell or make big bucks. Regardless I am bored and this is how I'm going to entertain myself. Well, from the time I was very little, I remember wanting to be a grateful dancer-I also remember wanting to be able to fly. I can vaguely remember my mom taking me to a gymnastics place and for a while I guess that satisfied me, but although I can't remember why, I also remember being taken to many dance studios after a bit of gymnastics. It must have been decided that I preferred dancing to gymnastics because my mom ended up signing me up for dance classes. I was never worried about my weight, I would eat as much candy and sweets as I wanted because I knew I would burn them all off within hours. I was a dancer, a dancer who danced about 20 or so hours a week. I lived to dance, and I loved to dance. It was my way of expressing passion, of challenging my body beyond it's limits and moving the end line over each second as I forced it to do the impossible, to turn out more, to stretch further, to hold longer, to get me higher and higher into the air. To soar to new heights. I loved dance...dancing was fun and very quickly, I was rising with my age group to new heights. As we all entered competitions for the first time, a new intensity from dance emerged demanding more and more hours. It was consuming my entire being. And for a while, that was okay... Then came the end of middle school...relationships were starting, people would invite me to sleep overs that I would turn down because I knew if I went I wouldn't sleep enough to be able to dance my full potential the next day. While people around me were blossoming with friendships I wasn't. My friends in dance knew more around me than my friends in school, my friends in dance were really the only people I interacted with other than my mom and dad who would drive me to and from dance (leaving me there for hours each day) and bring me food or pencils so I could eat and do homework during the breaks. I strictly remember a time (which is pertinent a little later) when we were learning a large group dance. In the dance, my teacher called me over and told me I was to be lifted. I was ecstatic! For once I would finally fly with only my dancer friends holding me up in the air, I'd be as close to the sky as I ever would be. Like I said, I had always wanted to fly...but then because I was taller, and heavier than another girl, when the girl came in, she was given my liftee part instead. I was to be a lifter of someone smaller because I was one of the tallest dancers...I wanted to cry. I remember being SOOO mad that my body was tall, that I was heavier because I was taller, and that I couldn't fly because I was heavy....now moving on from this story back to my life being consumed by dancing. I realized, that competiting dance wasn't making me happy anymore..dancing had been something I always did because I loved it. And competition had always been something I did because it made me better, but because my own motivation didn't match my new teacher's. I was miserable. ESPECIALLY because a group of dancers (one my best friend) was going to our rival dance studio and considering transferring there. Everyone knew this, and those who were loyal to my dance studio despised those who were leaving. My best friend at the time, Kayla, slowly was leaving the studio and everyone was sure I had gone with her (to this day I haven't set a foot in another dance studio). I was hurt, and now my dancer friends hated me. Kayla left the studio, the one girl I stayed loyal to when everyone hated her left me at the dance studio. I couldn't feel more alone than I did. I quit competiting-it was only depressng me further. And at the time that was okay because competition and advanced classes weren't required to be the same. So I could take advanced classes without competing. I made friends at school and saw doors to many opportunities I could take if I cut back on dance. So when the new year's dance class schedule came, and I saw you weren't allowed to take advanced classes without competing in them, I knew I couldn't take advanced classes anymore. I took an intermediate class instead and often taught or aided the teacher in teaching. The girls all knew I didn't belong there, but it was okay, because I was dancing, that's all I ever wanted, and all I ever needed. I had friends at school, and my first few boyfriends. And yet-I felt my skills fading. My muscles were changing for their new demands on new sports such as lacrosse. My legs were getting bigger, instead of being slenderly muscular. My body was changing, I got boobs, I got more fat. I realized I hated my body. I turned to something many dancers are familiar with, anorexia. I had to be lighter, I just had to. I stopped eating..but unfortunately parents, friends, everyone noticed. So I had to wait...I relapsed a few times trying to earn my dancer body again without going to the dance classes. And yet again I was caught. I thought vomiting my food would be easier, so I tried, but I couldn't self induce vomiting. Bulimia wasn't an option. And finally I thought I'd get my head on straight. Just run, I thought, run everyday and burn calories. I would go on long runs, not keeping hydrated well because I didn't like running with a water bottle. I would run for an hour-two hours each day, and do yoga/ pilate moves at night. I felt better about myself, but my body felt worse. One morning I woke up in my bed with terrible stomach pains, I might've fallen asleep but looking back from how suddenly it was, I think I fainted. When I awoke I dashed into the rest room and fainted, when I woke up I started barfing on the carpet, throwing up multiple times. My mom heard me and ran to the rest room. She says I looked like paper, and told me I probably had the stomach flu. That if I could make it an entire day things would be okay. So I went and laid down on the couch and put in Lord of the Rings, planning on watching all three and more movies to distract myself throughout the day. I piled blankets on me and put a trash can at my side totally prepared. I'd be watching the movie and feel slightly numb...yet pained at the same time, and wake up to my dad beside me holding my hands and calling my name. I thought after the third time fainting that morning that this would stop. But I kept fainting. Four times in six hours. So my mom called the E.R., even though I was sure I didn't need it, she brought me in, when I walked through the door, a man asked if I needed a wheel chair. I felt foolish but I took it and was wheeled back to get my blood pressure. The lady laughed the first time she took it, sure she had got the number wrong, but frowned. It was a 74/38. Maybe because of my brachycardia, they thought I was going to die or something so they rushed me ahead of the waiting list and into a room where they put people who need critical attention. Hooked me up to monitors and an I.V. I ended up getting five I.V's, three salt I.V.'s and two sugar ones. I had been dehydrated. They determined, and although I didn't say it, I knew why. Over exercising, I had exercised myself almost to death. I remember wanting to die as I laid there, it was so painful, so humiliating, so...awful. I now understand the significance of blood pressure that low, and how awful it feels... But all I had wanted was the old body I had once had...that's all I still want...I still want to be small enough, to be pretty enough to be a dancer. To be able to fly.. Well there's a lot more to my life but dancing was a huge part of it so here was my talk about part of my life, for now. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/17/07

I've been doing a lot better at school in exchange for sacrificing most of my free time (as you can see not all of it because otherwise I woudln't be on here). I feel so antisocial anymore, I only talk to close friends when I'm not busy reading a novel for English or dioing other homework assignments. Lukily the end of the school year is in my reach and it's hard for me to grasp that I'll have to endure yet another year at this school before I'll be free of it, almost everyone I've ever met thinks I'm older than I am, for once I wish I was. I'm tired of immaturity, not the funny, cute kind of immaturity, the rude stinging, insulting and degrading kind that I see so often in the hallways. I do feel a lot more content now that I've boosted my grades all back up, I guess my entire life I've sought out perfection or as close as I can get to it-so in capitulating to my desires to relax and slack off, I always was getting really hard on myself for not doing what I ought o be doing (which thanks to my mind being on Psyhology mode-was my id taking over from a weak ego and my superego trying to tell me I was going adrift but I refused to listen..anyway...). I actually had a psychology test today, I don't know exactly how well I did, but I thought I knew everything in the 3 and about a half chapters I read (out of four). Then again this could be a display of overconfidence but with the chameleon effect, mere-exposure effects, and others I felt like I understood the concepts thoroughly. *shrugs* We'll see in the next few days how I really did. I still am trying to discover what I want (other than good grades, good body, good lacrosse skills, success, eventually a family). I'm trying to figure out what I want now, some goal to strive towards and I keep thinking that maybe it's finding a date for prom. Because I know no one will be foolish enough to waste their time asking me so if I'm going to have a date as always it will be from my accord. And I know this is completely pointless and not at all meaningful really but, just because I want a date I don't want it to be just anyone. I'm sure I could ask an underclassmen and then yeah, have someone to go to prom with, but what would be the point in being their tool so they could go to prom a year before allotted? And also, I don't want it to be a one night thing-that was my issue with asking Dylan. To ask him would be to step beyond boundaries, he doesn't want a commitment, and part of me doesn't either; which that is another thing making this difficult. It's like...even when I'm embracing someone with as much strength as I can-at the same time I'm pushing them away. Or even when I'm standing a mere few feet away, me and everyone else are worlds apart. Something is separating us, something that I swear is almost tangible. Maybe I haven't found the right person yet. Who knows...I shouldn't be dwelling on something so pointless and insignificant. We have a big lacrosse game tomorrow, against our biggest rivals basically...we have never beat them. I don't think this year is the year either but I am trying to stay positive and I know we will give them a run for their money regardless of victory (although I want it..). Today is my golden retriever's, Amber's, 6th Birthday! I love her sooo much, she is such a cute puppy and yes, she still acts like a puppy. I've never seen a more energetic and adorably stupid loyal sweet dog at her age ever. So we're going to celebrate by trying to make her fat (not really but I'm kinda worried about spoiling her) by giving her a vanilla ice cream cone! So I guess I bored you all with enough pointless information so here it is, I'm off. -xoxox ToRi/Miley