Another day another drifting closer to my eminent death

Basically nothing special is happening.

Lacrosse try outs are still happening and we have a play day on Saturday where we're driving up and playing like three or so games and spending like four plus hours away from home.

I still feel fat...I wrote a bad poem about that and posted it on FTI. But I don't think it quite explains how I feel. I don't think one can understand unless they have an eating disorder or negative self image issues maybe...

Hm, I don't know what else to say, so I'm going to end this with a bye bye for now. And thanks for reading this boring update on my life.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Umm not too much is up..

More try outs happened today. We ran a timed two mile. I came in first again but I honestly didn't think I did that well...I did it in 14:39. Better than last year but I think I could've done better, I didn't stop but I should've ran faster the entire time-I think I could've handled it. Lacrosse drills went well, I was able to incorporate my left hand more. And I even went so far as to score twice left handed (an accomplishment for me). Other than that I was really depressed this afternoon. Because despite my efforts, and successes, I feel like I'm not godo enough. Coach finds something to criticize but does it in a cool manner. I could take criticism it would make me a better player, but the way she delivers is just wrong-it's more ridicule than anything else. Ah well....

I was depressed because my mom came in and informed me that I have a D+ in APUSH right now...I'm trying hard but I just can't get that class figured out and into a system. It just doesn't work for me. I've been doing the best I can and I'll keep fighting for a C or better...my mom felt bad-it wasn't her fault. I've just felt too criticized lately, some POSTIVE REINFORCEMENT would be nice for once...to be told I did well. And I can't count on myself for that-my judgment is too skewed.

So if you're reading this-that is the lame update. And if you're not great we'll I'm just another of the trillions and zillions of websites out there. :)
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Prom Dress

So my tests failed horribly so I'm going to just give you links instead.

Here is my prom dress sorry about the bad angles...

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7153/dress1lt0.jpg

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/4877/pdressmi5.jpg

See normally I go for black but this time I went for blue...hope that's all right...and doesn't make me look like crap...
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Test

I want to post pictures of my prom dress so this is a test..

[URL=http://img101.imageshack.us/my.php?image=smugbq8.jpg][IMG]http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/1958/smugbq8.th.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

http://img389.imageshack.us/img389/8599/tiltkissmj7.jpg

[url=http://img85.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dress1lt0.jpg][img=http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7153/dress1lt0.th.jpg][/url]

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7153/dress1lt0.jpg

Today..?

So today I was out all day...

I had lacrosse practice early and our team ran the pacer test. I was rather happy with my results. When I ran it as a freshmen I had gotten a 54. This time I got a 70. And my mile run time was okay, it was a 7:20. Pretty good for not being entirely in shape as I wish I had been.

After that I gave my friend Chris a ride home and then drove home. My mom and sister wanted to go shopping. So for the rest of the day that's what I did. I was shocked umm apparently I went from being a B cup to being an A cup again. >_< Good and bad. I don't want to lose boobs, I want to lose ass......but at least this shows I'm losing fat.

I got a prom dress. It's blue and pretty and I'm excited to go to prom even though I'm like guaranteed not to have a date. Ah well, I'm going to try to make boys feel bad for not asking me. If there are any out there who care ya know?

Basically after that we came home, and then left again to go get dinner. So yeah that was my boring day.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Rewind and Review of the Past Few Days

Nothing special has happened really...

On February 20th (aka Mardi Gras) lacrosse try outs began. I basically felt really tired and my hips really hurt, but luckily I was given free arch supports that have been really beneficial to my hips which only hurt every now and then. I think they might be inflammed.

Right after practice I went to Mardi Gras tired and looking like shit. But all the same I was the German National Honor Society Princess. And we were called up during the ceremony to pick a cupcake. The person who found the little toy baby in their cupcake would be queen and king. I didn't want to eat the cupcake, I had already forced myself to eat some noodles to appease my friends. So I just picked at it and immediately felt something hard in the center. The baby was in my cupcake! That was so weird, I hadn't expected that to happen at all. So for the rest of the night I was wearing a tiara on my head and doing the waltz, and chicken dance, and macarena (I think I spelt that wrong..I'm sorry). But basically I guess I had a good time overall (my hips were hurting though). I mean, I never would be popular or pretty enough to be Homecoming Queen, but I was given the opportunity to be Mardi Gras Queen and I was. So I got a chance to shine fatness and all.

Other than that the past few days have been dedicated to long but fun afternoons of lacrosse and late nights accomplishing homework or trying until I collapse.

I had a practical on the cat's chest and back and arm muscles today. I think I did it wrong, I kept using long head of tricep and lateral head of tricep when I think I was supposed to be sayin tricep brachii. Oh well.....worse things happen.

I think I'm doing all right though. Just have three math assignments and an english essay to write this weekend on a book I never read. And I need to read The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald. Ha ha...good luck Tori.

Oh and I have lacrosse practice/try outs today so I'll be extremely tired. Oh well. It's worth it. It's worth all the tedious hard work when you're dashing down the field with the ball in your stick. The most dangerous player on the field. And when it's you versus the goalie. And you shoot and score. It's the best feeling in the world....

Oh and Sadies was yesterday. So I didn't tell the guy I thought I liked that I liked him, I didn't even go. So I guess things worked out for the best.
Anyway, I'll post more later.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Pretty Fat Princess

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Update On My Boring Life

So I threw my just because party yesterday.

It went well other than it wasn't asbig as I had planned. I invited like thirty people, and only ten or so came. And almost all of them hadn't R.S.V.Ped to my invitation. And people who HAD R.S.V.Ped didn't show up. So that was confusing and slightly annoying but hey I got over it and had fun being competitive at Twister and DDR, and Guitar Hero II and dancing and stuff like that.

Mainly I've just been living. Going to and from school, preparing for lacrosse try outs as well as waltzing as a princess on Tuesday (Mardi Gras). And currently I'm under election or something to be an FTI Grandmother (although I swear I'm not old...and the thought of being old disturbs me so I'm a YOUNG grandmother, as in a 17 year old grandmother).

Ah well. It'll be fun to have that relationship with FTI members I guess if I do win. And if I lose then yey I'm still young! Hm, I saw the poll but I don't think it'd be right for me to vote in it. Because naturally as a human being I have some desire to vote for myself but I think it'd be more fair and everything if I voted for Echos. Ah well, what happens will.

I'm going to go and see Ghost Rider (a movie) with my family today. So that's always something to look forawrd too. And on Monday my friend Jennifer wants me to come over and watch Saw III with her (last year she and me and a few other girls threw a 'Sawfest' and watched Saw I and II but I haven't seen Saw III yet and I want to so yeah that's always exciting). Other than that nothing really is up or new. So yeah.

Thanks if you're still reading up on my boring life. I love ya'll.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

V-DAY (dun dun dun..)

You want to know what's sad?
I kept fooling myself. Like, I went ahead and did the whole flowergram plan. And I just kept telling myself that my life is going to be like a fairy tale for once. I kept telling myself that I'd be in school and this student would walk in to deliver the flowers, and call my name. And it would be from someone saying they cared. Saying I was good enough, that I somehow earned or deserved the flower gram. I was wishing beyond wishing that I could walk around showing off my flower and not let this Valentine's Day be like any other Valentines Day.

There's a reason that fairytales are only seen on paper. Because they don't come true.

So, I went to school and beforehand (and I felt so guilty about this by the way), I went and bought a bag with a ton of nerd boxes inside. So I didn't have any specialized Valentines. So I gave EVERYONE a box. Like anyone who I know their name and one fact about them. Even people I didn't know well I gave a Valentine....but I didn't get any. Not even one. I mean, call me...I don't know....immature or whatever. But my best friend didn't even remember me. Granted she said she didn't remember anyone, but I thought I could at least count on her.

Then every girl in the school was given a paper heart to wear around her neck, and I walked around with it avoiding talking to any guys because if you did you had to give them your heart. So it was a miserable day...no fairytale. I guess that even though I pitied that one guy enough to buy him a flowergram, that I'm even lower than that or something because I wasn't remembered at all....I don't know. Maybe I'm selfish because I want to be rewarded. But that's not entirely it..I just want to feel cared for for once...
Ah well..another V-Day (Single's Awareness Day) come and gone..
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Thoughts/Boring Post V

As I'm sitting here chewing on my poor retainer, I realize that the only things going through my mind are mainly about my future but even more so about the people in my life. This lets me realize that it is the people who I care about who give me the drive and motivation to keep going. To keep living...

I guess these are my thoughts..or boring post V

So I was talking to Dylan again (the guy from like all the other boring posts I've made here) and I don't know. He's acting semi-differently but that might just be him being nice. See, I was telling him abou tmy plan this Valentine's Day*. And he kept telling me what a wonderful person I was. I told him I wasn't because my intentions behind it were somewhat selfish. Despite the fact that I wish to brighten up someone's day, I also want the reward of knowing I did well and I also believe in karma so I believe by these good deeds I'll receive some in return. Therefore I'm selfish. but he argued with me. And when he suddenly had to go to work he was sure to tell me exactly where it was street name and all and told me to visit him. I couldn't though because I had a lacrosse tournament.

Oh yeah and the lacrosse tournament went okay I suppose. We played our worst enemies and rivals and lost by like 5 points. Which is pretty good considering they go to state every single year and we never do.

Back to Dylan, I don't know, he's never been like that before he just randomly leaves and he was acting like he wanted me to come visit. But yeah, I'm pretty sure we're just friends..although I will be honest because this is basically my journal. The other day when he was walking out of my school way ahead of me, I knew even if I yelled he wouldn't hear me. So I took out my car keys and when he walked by my car I pressed the alarm. He just paused and turned around and smiled at me. I will admit he looked extremely attractive to me at that moment and my heart did flutter a bit. So regardless of whether I like him as more than a friend...I know that I think he's extremely attractive when he smiles...

*My plan this Valentine's Day is to make everyone else's day incredible, because sure as hell no one is going to do this for me. For example, this one guy who everyone dislikes-I'm sending him a flowergram wishing him a good day and signing it from "a friend". I figure he hasn't received a Valentine since back in Elementary School days when you were required to give a Valentine to everyone in the class. So I thought it might brighten up his day. Also, I'm throwing a just because party this weekend and inviting people who haven't been to a party in years. They seemed very very ecstatic about this fact.*

So we'll see how the next few days go.

FTI is going pretty well right now. There are more ads than I would like. Sisko is off with whatever is going on in his life (and I miss him...), Doc Ashley returned (inserts clapping/applause sound here), I don't know where Adam is...and Echos is busy with a musical or something I think she said. So I'm basically the only moderator there again..?

I don't really know what else to say right now???? So I guess this was more of a BPV than a Thought blog but whatever it's my blog and I'll do as I want.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley
P.S. I love you forever if you're actually reading this..

Boring Post Part IV

Yeah I was wrong the last time I had thought when I posted a Boring Post (wow it was just earlier today wasn't it? Amazing...) and this is actually four because I didn't have a Boring Post Part III I don't think.

Anyway..
I motivated myself quite a bit today. I went on a walk with my mom. I read an APUSH chapter and did an APUSH chapter packet without cheating or anything. And then I went online on the website for my AP Psychology book and I did Prologue-Chapter 7 Quizzes One and Two for each chapter. So I had 240 test questions I ended up answering and it took ages but hey I'm finally caught up. I still have more homework to do but this is the largest dent I have made in a homework assignment in ages! So I'm proud of myself for that retarded accomplishment.

I'm throwing a Just Because Party on Saturday. Quite frankly when I told my mom about the idea I was expecting her to say no and lecture me for about an hour but she said that I could. I guess after seventeen years of life she's finally letting me get some freedom. So tomorrow on Monday, I'm passing out little invitations to like everyone including my ex-best friend who had betrayed me last year (because if I don't give it to her she's going to find out because we have sooo many mutual friends). And basically there's going to be DDR and Karaoke going on upstairs while downstairs there's going to be a stereo with dance music playing, and twister in the other room in my basement, (I love twister). And my mom will be buying snacks and drinks for everyone. So basically it's just going to be the largest party I have every thrown. It'll be complete with the standard card games, and bowl of skittles (my friends and I normally play that one game when you close your eyes and reach into the bowl and withdraw two skittles and if they don't match you put them in your mouth but can't chew or eat them, and when you get two matching skittles you chew and try to swallow all the skittles in your mouth. This game is revolting and hilarious the only downside is I HATE swallowing them so I prefer to spit out the enormous glob and give up rather than succumb to the calories).

I'm so glad the musical is over with, now I can concentrate on other things...

Like school and lacrosse...and the fact that the only social life I have is on the computer...

Well, with lacrosse I have a tournament to complete on Monday concluding the indoor lacrosse league and I'll be sure to tell you all how it went when it's over. But it's an honor that we made it that far as it is.

Yeah so I definitely have this marking scar thing on my arm from Saturday. See, we had to take down part of the set before we could go to the cast party and I'm allergic to wood....the set is made out of wood. And without realizing it I started breaking out in hives and again without realizing it I scratched my arm and it ended up bleeding! So now I have an ugly mark on my arm...great.

But yeah what else can I fill into this totally pointless thread..

Oh yeah and back to my Just Because Party. So I'm totally inviting boys and girls. The last time I did that I was like four and I went up on our brick fireplace and sang a solo for everyone. Yeah I used to be a very very outgoing freaky little..thing. But yeah, I actually had to do that last year for everyone on my sixteenth birthday party. See, on my party my mom dug up the tape and showed everyone me performing with my bear. So I had to go and get my bear and perform for everyone. But that was my price because afterwards my mom had gotten me a limo and we all went for a ride inside of it. It was incredible. I never thought she'd do anything like that for me but then again I guess you only become sixteen once.

It was also amazing because she wrote notes with riddles leading me to where each of my presents were hidden and if you looked in the notes enough it had hints as to what the gift was. She must've put so much time and effort into that. I love my mommy...she truly made Sixteen Sweet despite everyone else trying to ruin it.

So yeah I think it's about time I stopped blogging and instead tried to finish my APUSH homework or start my math homework or something. I need to get my grades up.
Ttyl.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Random I guess..

Okay, what the fuck is wrong with my body?

So I've been anorexic and exercise bulimic before but I have been healthy lately. I've been eating two meals a day I've been eating enough.

I lost five pounds.

I don't know why or how this happened. All I know is that it did and now my mom is going to accuse me of not taking care of myself.

It's so bittersweet. I'm so happy I lost the weight but upset because I don't understand my body anymore.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

What people mean to me?

Hey I'm going to be a copycat now. In Heather's blog she wrote something about people being defined. But I'm going to be a LITTLE original and instead post what people mean to me or something...

To me, Heather means understanding and kindness. She comes off as my sister and very good friend.

To me, my friend Katie means happiness and life. She comes off as the other half of my soul because we are so much alike. She also is my safety net, she saved my life last year.

To me, Yan means harmony (this is probably going to sound lame or something) because he seems so perfect but like he's had so many issues he's fighting against darkness. He comes off as a good friend who will be brutally honest.

To me, Amber means joy and caring. She comes off as someone who I really care for and want to keep in my life.

To me, Josh means fun and laughter. He comes off as a little brother I wish I could have in reality.

To me, Jerrett means creativity and peace. He comes off as an amazingly talented person who despite his talent isn't stuck up and he's also a dear friend of mine.

To me, Fallon is passion and hiding. She comes off as a person who is so full of life and so full of courage and strength, but she's too afraid to live it to the fullest and to show her true skin.

To me, Cindy is almost like a rose. She's so beautiful and magnificent but she doesn't have the ability to see that in herself and sometimes she wilts in the winter and is down on herself during that down time.

To me, I am failed potential. I have the skills and workings to be someone great and magnificent but I never make it that far.

Hm I don't know who else to include right now...
Besides it's probably a dumb copycat idea anyway..
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Boring Post Part....Four?

Yeah so I'm definitely posting for the sake of posting because I'm bored out of my mind. See I just read an APUSH chapter about Woodrow Wilson and progressive crap and reforms so I'm like drooling and trying to awake again. But I'm VERY proud of myself because this is the first time I've done my APUSH homework in ages! ^_^

And I do have more homework left to do but I'm happy that I actually did any and this is the homework that I absolutely despise doing..learning about United States history...shoot me.

I have one week off doing nothing before lacrosse try outs start. And I still have Mardi Gras and being the German National Honor Society Princess and waltzing to look forward to. Joy to the fricking world. (I waltzed for the musical and now I have to waltz in front of anyone who decides to go to the celebration).

Oh yeah, and for fun I wrote the Epilogue of the story I'm writing on a separate sheet of paper. I'm so excited, the ending makes me smile and I'm getting to the point where I actually might be able to finish! *giggles*

I've decided I'm not going to go to Sadies. Unless something incredible occurs on Valentines Day or something but most likely that's not going to happen. But yeah..I don't think I like that guy that way so I don't even want to get into the same bad situation I got myself into last year. And besides, my school is doing this Heart Break Bash thing and I think I actually might go. Lol. It sounds amusing...

And Heather got a blog which is absolutely amazing. I love my sister! And she's about the only person who reads my blog anyway so yeah. Yey for her getting a blog!

That's all I have to say for now although I just got an idea for another entry so if you're Heather you'll be reading that soon (or maybe Josh or maybe Dani seeing as they have commented on mine..)!
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Drama

That's the only title that would fit for this post.

So I've been doing the musical production of Cinderella for my school. Tonight just happened to be my last night so I got home from the cast party and stuff and the musical is over.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the people who made it horrible. Who made me question myself and made me cry out of frustration, sadness, hopelessness etc.

I'll try to do this in increasing importance order.

So firstly, there was the costume crew (they got better but the first night-sucked). Okay, so I have to be a mouse who turns into a horse and then have like a ten second costume change before I come on as a ballroom dancer. Well, the first night I came rushing into the room, this is a tiny room we're talking about with literally ten costume crew people standing there with our dresses. I hear the other three girl's names called and I ask, "What about me?" And no one says anything, apparently they FORGOT I existed. So I had to get my dress myself (couldn't move well because there were three extra girls just standing there) put it on myself, and I got out of there before anyone else. Keep in mind, I'm a dancer, I have been for thirteen years, I know how to quick change. But I was insulted. They remembered everyone else other than me. And I wasn't going to just take that, not anymore. I'm not a doormat anymore. So after the ball was over and the clock struck midnight and the curtains closed, I went back to the dressing room to change into my townspeople outfits. I didn't say anything but by my actions they could tell I was pissed.

Them: "Why are you upset?'

Me: "I don't know for being forgotten maybe?"

Them: "It won't happen again."

Me: *Looks around the room at the five of them just sitting there* "And why are there so many people in here? It takes up valuable room."

Them: "Look Tori, we need two people for each quick change."

Me: "We aren't statues. We can do some things ourselves, therefore, we don't."

The next day there was less people in there and it worked. They apologized to me because I was right, and I apologized to them because I was rude. End of story, I don't have a problem with them but I was just sharing with you.

Now this is the real reasonf or this post. See, our musicals have always been in the fall and maybe in the winter too with a straight play in the spring. Well every year for either the winter musical or the winter play, our director announces next year's productions in the program. Well a program happened to catch my eye yesterday and so I saw that he had changed the musical to the spring.

I wanted to scream.

I participate in lacrosse during the spring.

Well, my mom saw the program that night too and asked my director why he did it? And he basically said for a change to gain and lose people. I suppose I'm worth losing then.

Well, then today for our first performance he saw me in his office when I was asking for a band aid for a blister. And he told me about my mom being upset. And I told him I knew this. He told me that just because it was in the spring not to think they couldn't work around my schedule. So I was confused at this point. He continued to say he could make there be evening practices and I guess I let some of my hope rise back up again, and then he continued on saying that then of course I would have to be a dancer again.

Don't get me wrong. I love dancing with a passion. But dancing has consumed thirteen years of my life. When I came to high school I told myself I was going to do something different and tried out for the musical. I've made it every year but I'm always every dancing role. I'm truly honored and I have treasured each moment as a dancer-but I really want my time to shine. My time for everyone to see me, to remember my name, my lines, my song, I want people to come looking for me after I have my own private bow and remember my characters as well as my own name. I want the glory I haven't had. And next year is my senior year-I had thought that all of my years here would be worthwhile in my senior year, and I realized from what my director said that I was never going to be anything other than a dancer in his eyes. So I told him I just wanted to get through this year and left crying thinking that Cinderella was suddenly and unexpectedly my last musical...and the bitter thought of no one ever remembering me...

Well then later, when I returned for the second show, Shelby (a friend) walked up to me and asked me if I had talked with our director. I told her I had earlier and she told me I should talk with him more about it, because he had told her that he would "move mountains" for me to be in it. He had told me that as well. But all I could think was, "If you can move a mountain for me, then move the musical back to the fall..."

Suddenly I'm important to him.

I tried not to think about what my director had said and instea got ready to start getting dressed or hanging out with people when my music director came and asked if I was Junior. I said yes and she clapped her hands together with glee telling me how much she looked forward to working with me next year. And I told her that probably wasn't going to happen. She asked why. And I told her that lacrosse was in the spring and now that the director had moved the musical to the spring I couldn't be a part of it. She seemed upset.

Then I went and sat on the stage with a circle of cast members. My director came out and told one of them a note on something to improve then told me that he and I needed to talk more before he sat down next to me.

Time to talk I guess...?

He told me that I had compeltely misunderstood what he had said the other day. And that he had meant to say he would work around my schedule.

I finally had the guts to tell him in words and in person, that I didn't want to be just a dancer my senior year. That my entire life I have been a dancer and that part of the reason I had joined theater was to do something different. And that I had enjoyed my time dancing but I had wanted something more too. He told me he understood and also told me that he knew he had been using me as a dancer for some time now. He then continued to tell me that I wasn't wrong in thinking that and that I was a jack of all trades to him. That I could not only dance, but also sing and act. At this point the dancing director came on stage and listened for a few before asking if I was a junior and celebrating when I said yes.

I continued to tell my director that I couldn't ever shine like have lines or a song if I couldn't come to daily practices. Apparently that's not true. He told me he would make evening practices for me and also that there are a ton of female characters in the Pajama Game who had lines and singing parts (I don't know if this is true or not). Of course by that point I was crying. And I told him I had been upset because I had thought this was going to be my last musical and was still unsure. Then he told me he wasn't willing to let me go until I walked down the aisle with a cap and gown to receive my high school diploma.

I'm so touched. But then I just keep thinking of things he said. How blocking could be afterschool and dancing could be in the evening. Yet again, I'm stuck in the dancer mode...maybe he doesn't understand that that's what I want to avoid for once. I want to be someone blocked with lines and a name. Someone who's character is remembered and who everyone is searching for after bows. I've tried to explain that to him-that on my senior year I want to be remembered and he seems to understand.

Why am I suddenly so worthwhile and valuable to him? He's not talking to anyone else the way he is to me. And my music/dancing/regular directors all suddenly seem convinced that I'm like a rising star necessary for the musical. It's just shocking when for three years you've been the nameless smiling forgettable chorus girl in the background, in the shadow of someone with a name.

I don't know what to think anymore..

My dance director keeps telling me how proud she is of me. I don't know why they suddenly want me. I haven't gotten that feeling for three years. I've gotten the feeling that I was just a dancer in their eyes. Although my director today told me (and my cast members who were watching me bawl) that he didn't look at me just as a dancer.

He told me to be more concerned with my schedule and whether or not I thought I could do it rather than worried about not being considered for a larger part.

Saying one thing, and doing another...actions speak louder than words.

I'm not sure if he's saying this because he still wants my dancing skills or if he's saying it because he actually means it.

I never knew it would mean so much to me to be in the spotlight and remembered. Maybe it's because you see everyone walking searching for "Cinderella" their eyes tracing over the random dancer girl, maybe occasionally getting a standard good job.

I've paid my dues, I've been obedient and given it my all. I want my chance now...

I just wish he would move it to the fall...that would fix everything for me...
Sorry for this stupid post.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Regression..

I'm looking in the mirror and all I can think about is how fat my cheeks look, and when I look at my torso how I have a gross...bump...or whatever of fat on my abdomen. It's disgusting.

And then I try to distract myself, but I'm always feeling my legs trying to tell if they're getting wider or thinner, trying to see if my thighs have lost anymore fat.

It's constantly on my mind. I'll be sitting in a class and see some skinny girl and start comparing about how much fatter I am than her, and whenever I'm forced to eat with someone it's almost a competition for me to eat less (lately I've been eating meals so I'm proud of that).

What I'm coming back to isn't anorexia, it's exercise bulimia. But this is the more dangerous of the two for me....not that anyone should have either over the other. But see, last time I went exercise bulimic I was in the hospital all day and had five bags of IV fluid and if I had needed another (in other words if my blood pressure didn't rise high enough from 74/38) they were going to give me a blood transfusion.

But I just want to be one of those thing people so bad...I want to be the person who others look at and just can't help but think that I have a nice body regardless of their sexuality.

And exercising is addicting...I get such a feeling of elation I don't normally have when I force my body to and past it's limit. Like, today for instance I had pre-season training at Peak Acceleration. And I did a plyoboard work out with elastic bands tied to my body as well as holding ten poud weights. I was sweating so bad but I couldn't have been more proud of myself, and then I ASKED to do more. To go and do blocks...I didn't have to, I asked too because I wanted more...I don't know....that might not mean anything to you but all this is adding up to one thing in my mind.

I'm regressing.

My Rant

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Boring Post Part II

So.....I talked In BPPI about a guy I was considering and had basically decided to ask to Sadies. Well, I was trying to think of a way to ask him and I kept drawing a blank except for maybe to go to his first period red day class and write it on the board for everyone to read or to ask his teacher to put an overhead up with me asking him on it (I know the teacher and she doesn't like me so I doubt she would do this for me. And on top of that I'm not in that class anymore so I couldn't see his reaction and if he said yes out of pity I wouldn't know because I wouldn't have seen his reaction).

And then I thought of asking my friends to give him notes throughout the day hinting that it was me. And um, I don't know, I couldn't think of much to put on the notes.

And then I thought I could have a friend tell him he was being challenged to a boxing match on a note after school in the wrestling room (he LOVES boxing). And I keep telling him we're going to spar sometime and he seems to look forward to it. But I figure:
a) wrestling team might be in there
b) he might not be able to come
c) I might not know the best way to ask him to Sadies while trying to win against him boxing

Just none of my plans seemed either plausible or cute or anything enough.

So today he came online and we talked a bit and I figure hey-I could just ask him to go with me straight out without anything cute. But I really don't think he'd say yes, he mentioned how he thought he had been a jerk this weekend because he's afraid of commitment and he always mentions that he's a jerk and stuff after he's blown a date with a girl.

And my worst nightmare would be him saying yes to me when he really wants another girl to ask. Because most likely-he will say yes. Hey, I'd say yes to ALMOST any guy who asked me to a dance (except for this creepy stalker guy). So I'm betting, he'd say yes. So I'm left with three scenarios:

1. He says yes to go to the dance with me because he likes me. And I go to the dance with him fall in love and we live happily ever after. .oO(Yeah...right...)

2. He says yes to go to the dance with me because he feels guilty.
2a) But then he gets asked to the dance by a girl he likes and shuts me down
2b)But then he gets asked to the dance by a girl he really likes and goes with me anyway because he feels bad and doesn't enjoy himself at the dance so I feel bad
2c) He has a horrible time at the dance because he didn't want to go with me at the first place. Oh, and he tells everyone EXCEPT for me how he isn't looking forward to it.
2d) He has a horrible time at the dance and at the dance tells me so and ditches me there

3. He says no
3a) Because he has already been asked
3b) Because he is hoping someone better will ask him
3c) Because he doesn't want to go
3d) Because he's busy
3e) Because he just doesn't want to go with ME personally

Okay so that's more like ten or so situations. But really the negatives are outweighing the positives and I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's been asked or not yet but the longer I wait the more chance he will already have a date and not be able to come to the dance with me.

I FEEL LIKE A RETARD! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Bad news...

Okay, so I was IMing a friend from school and she informed me that my school is doing the school-wide activity they did my freshmen year...

See, on Valentines Day they give a girl a paper heart on a yarn necklace and the girl has to wear it all day and not talk to any boys. If a girl does she has to give the boy her necklace and the boy with the most hearts by the end of the day wins...

This was torture last time we did it. It was like I became visible to the opposite gender and NONE of them would leave me alone. Heh, heh but I kept my heart the entire day. Actually one time I told this one guy to eff off but he didn't hear me so I got to keep my heart.

Great though, another thing to make the fourteenth worse.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Boring Post Part I

Apparently I'm becoming a vampire according to my mom. I'm apparently:
-pale
-stick thin
-tired looking
-and I never leave my room

And apparently those traits are all those of a vampire. Maybe it makes sense, seeing as I AM anemic...who knows.

So this is another worthless pointless post from yours truly because I'm bored and if anyone is still reading I guess then it's okay to update so they don't get bored like me. Yey.

I motived myelf today, imagine that. I know...it was hard. I had to sign up for an account on turnitin.com for my english teacher *rolls eyes.* Dang, no more plagiarizing, shucks (if you can't tell I think it's about the stupidest thing ever). And then I finished another chronicle (chapter) of the story I'm writing in my free time. And then I did laundry, it was amazing I actually did stuff! But then I sat down to write my English paper and my motivation kind of committed suicide so no more accomplishments for today.

I'm still contemplating Sadies. The dance when the girls ask the guys to the dance.

I'm pretty sure this one guy from Cinderella likes me, let's call him T. And this other guy, F, he kinda seems interested too...(he's always tickling me and flirting but then again maybe this is in my imagination).

It's hilarious actually. Because T is totally obvious and basically stalks me. He always ends up standing beside me, trying to flirt with me. And if I don't laugh at one of his jokes, he'll stand right there and tell me he's a failure because he couldn't make me laugh. Oh and he asked me to be in this dance he's choreographing and I looked at his planning (positions) and I'm ALWAYS right next to him.

Now, this is the strange part. So this one girl in Cinderella painted a note on our stage asking Nate to the dance. So while we were practicing it was still written on the stage. So F comes up behind me and starts a conversation with me something like this:

F: "So, have you asked anyone to Sadies yet?"

Me: "No, I'm not even sure if I'm going to go yet."

F: "Oh, I see...well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm Muslim, and um that we can't date."

Me: (In my head) .oO(Okay...cool..?)

F: (outloud): "I just wanted to tell you so I didn't like break your heart or anything. I mean it's not anything new but I just can't date."

Me: *Laughs* "How arrogant are you?"
and how arrogant is he? He just assumed that I like liked him or something because I talked with him and he flirts with me! *shrugs* Boys are so messed up.

There's this one guy I wouldn't mind asking but the thing is:
a) I don't like him as more than a friend...at least I don't think so.
b) I don't think he'd say yes.

See, he and I have a lot in common, we both like fighting and being physical. And we both have been involved in drama in the past (he's not in Cinderella though because he's boxing). I found out during the whole Evan experience when I was talking to him about it, that at one point he had liked me and I told him I had liked him at one point (true, at Homecoming I realized I kept looking for him and I danced with him the last dance when I had realized I liked him at the time..). But like, I bet he's moved on and like I don't want to embarass myself, but a comment he said about Sadies a while ago keeps coming to mind..something about how he was hoping that some girl would have the guts to ask him to go so he could try something new ya know and stuff like that.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a fickle hopeless romantic and searching desperately for someone to care for and to care for me. But I really do want to enjoy this Valentines Day and not just sit there all day wishing beyond all hope that someone would care enough about me to make that day amazing.

And I am realizing that I can't stop thinking about him. During our "advisory" class (which is a worthless class in which we do nothing) he and I always sit there joking about it, or classes, or anything really that comes to mind. He's cute to me, and like I said we have a lot alike...I think I should do it.

Doing it and being wrong or getting turned down would be better then not doing it and looking back and wondering...

Okay, I'll do it. But just how should I ask him? 0.o I don't know how to ask someone in a cute or sweet manner. I do know how to go up to a guy and just straight out ask but I think I'd want something different than that...ideas....?
-xoxox ToRi/Miley

Class Schedule

Didn't know what to write today so I thought maybe my thoughts on my registration for Senior year would suffice.

Okay, so I knew from the get go that I'd be taking AP German. German language has really been one o fmy strengths throughout high school and I just knew from freshmen year that I'd take it. So AP German.

I have to take another english course so I thought hm why not continue on my pathway and do AP Literature. I am in AP Lang and I've never had a problem with english so yeah.

I want to be a psychiatrist. So I thought a stronger background in Chemistry would look good to colleges. So I'm taking AP Chemistry (I've already taken honors).

I gave in to what my peers and teachers were saying about colleges frowning upon students not taking math. I wasn't going to, but they coaxed me into it. So AP Calculus.......(no lower Calc class).

Then I decided to slack off. I love P.E., so I figured, I'd get in shape with Weights and Fitness. And have fun in Team Sports.

And Show Choir was so I wouldn't have THREE P.E. classes, and it's anothr slacker class for senior year.

So yeah...

So the plan is:

Semester One:
-AP German
-AP Literature
-AP Calculus
-AP Chemistry
-Weights and Fitness
-Show Choir
-Lifelong Team Sports One

Semester two:
-AP German
-Ap Literature
-AP Calculus
-AP Chemistry
-Total Fitness
-Show Choir
-Lifelong Team Sports Two


Yep, nice pointless posting! ^.^