Regression..

I'm looking in the mirror and all I can think about is how fat my cheeks look, and when I look at my torso how I have a gross...bump...or whatever of fat on my abdomen. It's disgusting.

And then I try to distract myself, but I'm always feeling my legs trying to tell if they're getting wider or thinner, trying to see if my thighs have lost anymore fat.

It's constantly on my mind. I'll be sitting in a class and see some skinny girl and start comparing about how much fatter I am than her, and whenever I'm forced to eat with someone it's almost a competition for me to eat less (lately I've been eating meals so I'm proud of that).

What I'm coming back to isn't anorexia, it's exercise bulimia. But this is the more dangerous of the two for me....not that anyone should have either over the other. But see, last time I went exercise bulimic I was in the hospital all day and had five bags of IV fluid and if I had needed another (in other words if my blood pressure didn't rise high enough from 74/38) they were going to give me a blood transfusion.

But I just want to be one of those thing people so bad...I want to be the person who others look at and just can't help but think that I have a nice body regardless of their sexuality.

And exercising is addicting...I get such a feeling of elation I don't normally have when I force my body to and past it's limit. Like, today for instance I had pre-season training at Peak Acceleration. And I did a plyoboard work out with elastic bands tied to my body as well as holding ten poud weights. I was sweating so bad but I couldn't have been more proud of myself, and then I ASKED to do more. To go and do blocks...I didn't have to, I asked too because I wanted more...I don't know....that might not mean anything to you but all this is adding up to one thing in my mind.

I'm regressing.