4/17/07

I've been doing a lot better at school in exchange for sacrificing most of my free time (as you can see not all of it because otherwise I woudln't be on here). I feel so antisocial anymore, I only talk to close friends when I'm not busy reading a novel for English or dioing other homework assignments. Lukily the end of the school year is in my reach and it's hard for me to grasp that I'll have to endure yet another year at this school before I'll be free of it, almost everyone I've ever met thinks I'm older than I am, for once I wish I was. I'm tired of immaturity, not the funny, cute kind of immaturity, the rude stinging, insulting and degrading kind that I see so often in the hallways. I do feel a lot more content now that I've boosted my grades all back up, I guess my entire life I've sought out perfection or as close as I can get to it-so in capitulating to my desires to relax and slack off, I always was getting really hard on myself for not doing what I ought o be doing (which thanks to my mind being on Psyhology mode-was my id taking over from a weak ego and my superego trying to tell me I was going adrift but I refused to listen..anyway...). I actually had a psychology test today, I don't know exactly how well I did, but I thought I knew everything in the 3 and about a half chapters I read (out of four). Then again this could be a display of overconfidence but with the chameleon effect, mere-exposure effects, and others I felt like I understood the concepts thoroughly. *shrugs* We'll see in the next few days how I really did. I still am trying to discover what I want (other than good grades, good body, good lacrosse skills, success, eventually a family). I'm trying to figure out what I want now, some goal to strive towards and I keep thinking that maybe it's finding a date for prom. Because I know no one will be foolish enough to waste their time asking me so if I'm going to have a date as always it will be from my accord. And I know this is completely pointless and not at all meaningful really but, just because I want a date I don't want it to be just anyone. I'm sure I could ask an underclassmen and then yeah, have someone to go to prom with, but what would be the point in being their tool so they could go to prom a year before allotted? And also, I don't want it to be a one night thing-that was my issue with asking Dylan. To ask him would be to step beyond boundaries, he doesn't want a commitment, and part of me doesn't either; which that is another thing making this difficult. It's like...even when I'm embracing someone with as much strength as I can-at the same time I'm pushing them away. Or even when I'm standing a mere few feet away, me and everyone else are worlds apart. Something is separating us, something that I swear is almost tangible. Maybe I haven't found the right person yet. Who knows...I shouldn't be dwelling on something so pointless and insignificant. We have a big lacrosse game tomorrow, against our biggest rivals basically...we have never beat them. I don't think this year is the year either but I am trying to stay positive and I know we will give them a run for their money regardless of victory (although I want it..). Today is my golden retriever's, Amber's, 6th Birthday! I love her sooo much, she is such a cute puppy and yes, she still acts like a puppy. I've never seen a more energetic and adorably stupid loyal sweet dog at her age ever. So we're going to celebrate by trying to make her fat (not really but I'm kinda worried about spoiling her) by giving her a vanilla ice cream cone! So I guess I bored you all with enough pointless information so here it is, I'm off. -xoxox ToRi/Miley