I Left FTI

I left FTI today, I figure I deserve it and no I'm not really looking for pity or anything, I'm typing this to deal wtih the hurt I'm feeling, no other reason. I guess it took some brutally honest people to let me see what a bitch I am...so thank you to them.

I don't have much to offer right now, I feel empty, I left FTI, I've been there for so long now, t's practically a home, but despite my selfishness telling me I could still go there as a guest, I just don't feel like I belong, not now that I've seen how badly I've hurt people, tore them apart. I probably dont' deserve this blog either...sorry I'm posting...I'll just go..

May 7th, 2007 (??)

Because of prom I've lost track of the days so I'm hoping that today is the seventh but if it isn't I hope you all understand. Well, prom isn't all it's cracked up to be which is what I expected. It was fun..I guess. I went to Noodles and Co. with my friend Jennifer beforehand and we got a ton of stares and attention which was entertaining, and after that we got hot fudge sundaes before we finally drove to the resort where prom was being held. And although we weren't that late, it was still extremely difficult to find a place to park, so we parked in a dirt field. Which was entertaining when we were walking out of is and our high heels kept sinking into the ground...kinda freaky too. Well the room wasn't as I expected either. It had a TINY dance floor that covered like 1/4 of the room while the other 3/4 was of tables and chairs. So the dance floor was packed body to body and really really hot!! Most of us were dancing in between the tables to avoid dying of a heat stroke on the dance floor. I didn't slow dance with anyone, I just daned with the girl friends. So prom wasn't that great dance wise. But afterwards, I drove home and change dinto pajamas, picked Jennifer up and went to After Prom. Which was FAR better than prom. There were go-carts, lasertag, inflatable obstacle courses, battletech, mini golf, and all kinds of fun things to waste time all night doing. It was a ton of fun an in the course of the night, I fell on my bottom in front of a ton of hot guys, apparently got hit on by the guy running the go carts (so says Sammi) kissed Sammi's neck, said ridiculous things, and didn't win any of the prizes. But all the same After Prom made it really worthwhile. As for today it wasn't a good day, my cell phone was taken away. My band teacher yelled at us and stormed off again making us feel like c***, and ebcause my phone was taken away I ended up hanging up on my mom. So my mom was mad at me. And it just felt like s*** the entire day until I started talking with John. So thank you John. -xoxox ToRiMiley

May 3rd, 2007

Well I don't really know what to write today. I had a strange sense of power in the fact that my clothes were so hideous. It was almost like I was making a statement that it's not about what you wear but rather how you wear it. I had people looking at me all day and I didn't let anything faze me. Before jazz band I normally go to the band room to talk with Ethan about just about anything I feel like. And today he had a CAMERA! I was shocked, and so I sprinted down the hallway and avoided pictures for a short while and ended up hiding behind a stand rack, but he found me and got like two or so pictures of me. It was very entertaining actually.
So dressing ugly was the biggest part of my day I suppose. Other than that I realized I got a 98% as a total in my Honors Pre-Calculus class and my teacher thinks an A is attainable if I do all my homework. See, that's precisely the problem....I hate math homework, don't need it, don't want to do it.
Other than that...hmm....well, Prom is on Saturday and so Ihave Friday to do all my homework since I'll be out late on Saturday and probably sleeping and being lazy on Sunday. Still no date, by the way, so if you figured I would have one *coughJohncough* you were wrong. I still don't know where I'm going to dinner beforeheand. I'm trying to stick with Jennifer but she hasn't given me any details really and anywhere we go is bound to be booked now..
I'm really hoping to get a job for the summer soon, and when I mentioned thast during math class Austin basically guaranteed that he could get me one at the commissary. I think I'll take him up on that offer but I'm not sure yet, lol. Cause a good friend of mine, Andrew, who used I used to go to gymnastics with works there and apparently he talks about me all the time and I'd hate not to live up to his implanted expectations of me (he like admires me because I was basically his personal coach in gymnastics from the very start).
Yep...hmmm what else is going on...? Lots of tests coming up whether it's in my course, or in an AP forum, or ACT...so yeah I'm going to be a LITTLE bit stressed so I'm sorry if I come off as cranky; if I do just tell me to go to bed.
<3 To my man.-xoxox ToRi/Miley

May 2nd, 2007

Well today was just another normal day in my life. Although tomorrow is going to be EXTREMELY interesting because this is prom week so we have events each day. The event for tomorrow (with what you wear and stuff) is to dress in the UGLIEST outfits you can. And I decided I'm going to participate and I pieced my outfit together. it's atrocious! I'm wearing a tealish t-shirt with a reallypukey green tank top over it and a camouflage cami over that (so like FIVE mismatched shades of green on top) and a DARK red big necklace over that. Then on the bottoms I'm having orange and black striped soandexy pants, then on that I'm having BRIGHT pink shorts, and I'm going to be a skirt on over that but tuck the majority of the skirt in to look like more of an idiot. And then I'm going to have one plain white long sock on one foot and a knee high blue and red sock on the other, and mix shoes and do crazy hair. Maybe I'll take pictures because I'm doing whatever I can to look HORRID (Ha ha..I know..you don't have to do much Tori..). I still don't know where I'm going to dinner for prom, four people have invited me places. The origina group I want to go with is going to a steakhouse it's like...yey...a salad for me. Not! I want noodles and italian or something. So I was invited to two different Italian places and I really don't know where to go so gotta figure that out. OH! And I have the most AWFUL tan lines ever for my strapless dress. See, my arms are like brown now thanks to lacrosse season but my upper chest is WHITE...so it's going to look really funny if I don't find a spray on tan or a bronzer or something before prom. And I think I'm going to get my hair in an up-due and I'm sorry but I HAVE to post pictures of me in the prom dress and me in my horrid outfit tomorrow. It's just TOO tempting!! Okay so about today...mmm....my ex was such an a** about touching me today that I literally had to slap him before he got that I was serious. Which this sucked because we had a substitute teacher who thinks I'm like a bad kid or something and thinks that I was slapping him for no reason. *growls* MMm I got my AP United States History test back and I got an A+ on it which was exciting!! Oh, and we had a really retarded assembly about driving smart and safe on prom. It's like, kids won't listen. Those of us who will don't need the assembly to tell us so, and those of us who aren't, aren't going to listen to the assembly so all in all it was pointless. It was funny thought because during the powerpoint presentation the people on both my sides (Dylan and Ana) were sleeping in exact mirror image, like they were both leaning away from me on the armrest with their heads rested on their palm and their other hand resting on the exact same leg. And at one point they both moved in and switched arm rests so now they were both leaning into me still mirroring each other. It was actually pretty funny seeing as I was bored out of my mind..but it probably was a you-had-to-have-been-there thing. Tomorrow is the Junior Varsity versus Varsity lacrosse game. Hmm wonder who's going to win? All the same, it should be fun and coach normally lets Varsity mess around when we're like ten to zero. Well I think that's all that's going on other than I'm almost done with The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I seriously recommend this book, I love the storyline and Howard Roark is AMAZING!! Also her writing is magnificent. Really, I love it. And after I finish The Fountainhead it's on to reading my friend's book. Yey! And my own book is in circulation so far it made....five people cry at parts. I don't like the storyline so much but rather my characters. It's not very advanced in comparison to Ayn Rand but I honestly like it and you don't improve unless you try so yeah. And of course..there's my boyfriend John. Today he did a lot of sweet things for me, including posting/dedicating a song for me, and giving me a REALLY sweet post about how much he loves me *beams.* And I love him too. I'm glad I got to talk to him today even though I was unexpectedly ordered to go and pick up my sister...which sucked but hey I got back and got to talk with John more. OH and we got a room here on the website so no worries. I guess that's enough for now. I love you all..I just love John a LOT more. (Sorry! >_<) -xoxox ToRi/Miley

May 1st, 2007

Today was hard academically. I had a math test for one thing and on the non-calculator portion I got a 94. I'm proud of it but I made a stupid mistake witht he quare root of sinx answers and forgot to put them in negative as well as in positive which made me frustrated since on a similar problem on the back page I remembered. I don't know what I got on the calculator portion yet. Math is a strange subject to me. It appeals to me because teacher's attitudes towards you can't change the fact that you're correct, (like in an English essay, a teacher can mark you down for whatever they feel really, whereas in math if you have the right answer there's not much they can do to make it somehow wrong). I like the fact that Math is universal, that we're doing the same math here as in Germany or Cuba, or Vietnam, or Japan. It's incredible that out of basically everything in the world it's one thing we share. At the same time, I hate it. I'm good at it, I find it dull and unexciting. I can sit in class, and listen to my ipod, look up every once in a while, know what's going on, ans answer the problem, then go back to listening to music and get a 94. I have a hard time motivating myself to do homework for that class because for me it's not necessary. I can learn without it when it comes to math, even in honors pre-calculus. Other than that, I had another "test" in AP Language and Composition, it was a practice test for the AP test coming soon and I didn't do too amazing in my opinion so now I'm incredibly worried about the upcoming tests. I don't have a large enough vocabulary I've decided, so I guess my next project is going to be reading books and looking up every single word I don't understand completely..which is dull but hey, I have to learn it somehow. Then there was German Club, where I'm the secretary (in German National Honors Society I'm the Vice President) so I had to count up the accumulated throughout the course of this year and determine who will be lettering And only like 8 out of 20 are. That's pathetic. I don't understand how people without any after school commitments or anything like that can be so lazy whereas people like me who are very concerned will take time before and after our activities and make time for working for the club. Ah well, maybe it's just a joke for some people. Just gets frustrating when those of us who try have to pick up the slack of those who don't. I made a fool of myself in Psychology when I didn't know any of the psychologists, I have a MAJOR problem remembering names and what they did without faces to pin it to and searching faces down would take FOREVER! Lacrosse season is officially over (if we had had one more win we would've made play offs) meaning my running and gymnastics are going to start back up to take up some of my free time, but most likely I'll be on here even more utilizing some of my time, (I know, I was like never here before *rolls eyes at myself*). Well, today my friend Sammi mentioned that she was going to try to hook me up with some guy from another high school...I'm not excited. I told her so myself that I wasn't interested but she doesn't seem to get it and seems vehement on her idea of making sure I have a date for prom. Right now I still don't have a date, but I wouldn't enjoy myself at prom with anyone but John..and maybe my friends. I got to talk wtih John today and to read his diary. I feel badly about the long distance. I wish I could feel his embrace and everything but in a way, as corny as it sounds, I already can feel him. I just hope he can last until this summer when he'll be coming here to visit me. We'll take a ton of pictures for you all, and a few extra just for the two of us. *grins* I know we can last that long and WAY longer. I love you John. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/26/07

Well, I was really stressed out about today. First I went to school and was there for the "meeting" which I left early when I saw my anatomy teacher who told me that the cadaver lab field trip was still on. So I went on the interstate and drove for what seemed like much too long as I left behind most civilization and was really seeing the more desert-like part of Colorado, but then I found the exit and had no problems finding the college and the room we were supposed to meet in. I was unfortunately in the second viewing group meaning I sat around for a while, but then I finally got to go and see the cadaver. It was VERY interesting. I've seen two dead people before...one was my grandmother (the only grandparent I had ever known) and the other was a girl from my school who hanged herself...anyway though, they atually still resemebled people, it was no doubt that they were the same, that they were real. The cadaver looked fake in comparison but I'm assuming that's because it had such a heavy embalming process. It was an old many of eighty-four who died of health problems triggering by his smoking (his lung was all black and purple and squishy, I should know, I held it in my hands [wearing latex!]). But I'm not normally bothered by dissecting things, however weird that might sound. My partner is the weak stomached one, but she's really smart, so I usually do the dirty work such as cracking the rib cages of a cat or a rat, and cleaning out the icky dried blood, and just in general handling the inner organs while she'll help me to identify and memorize so I suppose we're a good team. Anyway, on a less disgusting note- Then I drove home because I had about two more hours of which I was excused of school. That's when I came onto my usual forums and posted about wasting time. Then I returned to school to turn in my psychology game project whch was supposed to be due a LONG time ago. And after that I had lunch, and then went to AP United States History (which was boring but luckily she didn't make us take the test, yey!). I didn't get to talk with my boyfriend today. And I sincerely hope he's sleeping right now, he should know we'll have most of the day on the weekend to talk so he better be in bed right now resting. *sighs* I really miss him...I couldn't stop thinking of how I wished he could've seen me play in our lacrosse game today.. Oh, speaking of which-we slaughtered them. So that's one of the three last games which we NEEDED to win. As for tomorrow, I have to come in early to take a cat practical I missed, then I have a test in Honors Pre-calculus (gag me), and who knows what in AP Language and Composition. And then in the afternoon we have a game against I don't know...our third or fourth biggest rivals? Although the team we slaughtered today tied with the team we're playing tomorrow, so if we played like today, we should win. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading if you still are. -xoxox ToRi/Miley

4/25/07

Yes, it's me again. I was shocked to discover only an hour or two ago that my district has already cancelled school for tomorrow. I feel like a lazy a** because I'm trapped inside with like no room to run or exercise very well, so I feel like some fat lazy lard just sitting here on the computer, or in front of the TV trying to entertain myself. I feel a little bit better when I'm writing one of my stories but I'm still being lazy, just making my characters do some work feels nice at times I guess. So, since you're a new diary you don't know a lot about my past, so I thought I'd take some time to enlighten you and any readers a bit although much of it would be boring, and if I were to write an autobiography it would undoubtedly never sell or make big bucks. Regardless I am bored and this is how I'm going to entertain myself. Well, from the time I was very little, I remember wanting to be a grateful dancer-I also remember wanting to be able to fly. I can vaguely remember my mom taking me to a gymnastics place and for a while I guess that satisfied me, but although I can't remember why, I also remember being taken to many dance studios after a bit of gymnastics. It must have been decided that I preferred dancing to gymnastics because my mom ended up signing me up for dance classes. I was never worried about my weight, I would eat as much candy and sweets as I wanted because I knew I would burn them all off within hours. I was a dancer, a dancer who danced about 20 or so hours a week. I lived to dance, and I loved to dance. It was my way of expressing passion, of challenging my body beyond it's limits and moving the end line over each second as I forced it to do the impossible, to turn out more, to stretch further, to hold longer, to get me higher and higher into the air. To soar to new heights. I loved dance...dancing was fun and very quickly, I was rising with my age group to new heights. As we all entered competitions for the first time, a new intensity from dance emerged demanding more and more hours. It was consuming my entire being. And for a while, that was okay... Then came the end of middle school...relationships were starting, people would invite me to sleep overs that I would turn down because I knew if I went I wouldn't sleep enough to be able to dance my full potential the next day. While people around me were blossoming with friendships I wasn't. My friends in dance knew more around me than my friends in school, my friends in dance were really the only people I interacted with other than my mom and dad who would drive me to and from dance (leaving me there for hours each day) and bring me food or pencils so I could eat and do homework during the breaks. I strictly remember a time (which is pertinent a little later) when we were learning a large group dance. In the dance, my teacher called me over and told me I was to be lifted. I was ecstatic! For once I would finally fly with only my dancer friends holding me up in the air, I'd be as close to the sky as I ever would be. Like I said, I had always wanted to fly...but then because I was taller, and heavier than another girl, when the girl came in, she was given my liftee part instead. I was to be a lifter of someone smaller because I was one of the tallest dancers...I wanted to cry. I remember being SOOO mad that my body was tall, that I was heavier because I was taller, and that I couldn't fly because I was heavy....now moving on from this story back to my life being consumed by dancing. I realized, that competiting dance wasn't making me happy anymore..dancing had been something I always did because I loved it. And competition had always been something I did because it made me better, but because my own motivation didn't match my new teacher's. I was miserable. ESPECIALLY because a group of dancers (one my best friend) was going to our rival dance studio and considering transferring there. Everyone knew this, and those who were loyal to my dance studio despised those who were leaving. My best friend at the time, Kayla, slowly was leaving the studio and everyone was sure I had gone with her (to this day I haven't set a foot in another dance studio). I was hurt, and now my dancer friends hated me. Kayla left the studio, the one girl I stayed loyal to when everyone hated her left me at the dance studio. I couldn't feel more alone than I did. I quit competiting-it was only depressng me further. And at the time that was okay because competition and advanced classes weren't required to be the same. So I could take advanced classes without competing. I made friends at school and saw doors to many opportunities I could take if I cut back on dance. So when the new year's dance class schedule came, and I saw you weren't allowed to take advanced classes without competing in them, I knew I couldn't take advanced classes anymore. I took an intermediate class instead and often taught or aided the teacher in teaching. The girls all knew I didn't belong there, but it was okay, because I was dancing, that's all I ever wanted, and all I ever needed. I had friends at school, and my first few boyfriends. And yet-I felt my skills fading. My muscles were changing for their new demands on new sports such as lacrosse. My legs were getting bigger, instead of being slenderly muscular. My body was changing, I got boobs, I got more fat. I realized I hated my body. I turned to something many dancers are familiar with, anorexia. I had to be lighter, I just had to. I stopped eating..but unfortunately parents, friends, everyone noticed. So I had to wait...I relapsed a few times trying to earn my dancer body again without going to the dance classes. And yet again I was caught. I thought vomiting my food would be easier, so I tried, but I couldn't self induce vomiting. Bulimia wasn't an option. And finally I thought I'd get my head on straight. Just run, I thought, run everyday and burn calories. I would go on long runs, not keeping hydrated well because I didn't like running with a water bottle. I would run for an hour-two hours each day, and do yoga/ pilate moves at night. I felt better about myself, but my body felt worse. One morning I woke up in my bed with terrible stomach pains, I might've fallen asleep but looking back from how suddenly it was, I think I fainted. When I awoke I dashed into the rest room and fainted, when I woke up I started barfing on the carpet, throwing up multiple times. My mom heard me and ran to the rest room. She says I looked like paper, and told me I probably had the stomach flu. That if I could make it an entire day things would be okay. So I went and laid down on the couch and put in Lord of the Rings, planning on watching all three and more movies to distract myself throughout the day. I piled blankets on me and put a trash can at my side totally prepared. I'd be watching the movie and feel slightly numb...yet pained at the same time, and wake up to my dad beside me holding my hands and calling my name. I thought after the third time fainting that morning that this would stop. But I kept fainting. Four times in six hours. So my mom called the E.R., even though I was sure I didn't need it, she brought me in, when I walked through the door, a man asked if I needed a wheel chair. I felt foolish but I took it and was wheeled back to get my blood pressure. The lady laughed the first time she took it, sure she had got the number wrong, but frowned. It was a 74/38. Maybe because of my brachycardia, they thought I was going to die or something so they rushed me ahead of the waiting list and into a room where they put people who need critical attention. Hooked me up to monitors and an I.V. I ended up getting five I.V's, three salt I.V.'s and two sugar ones. I had been dehydrated. They determined, and although I didn't say it, I knew why. Over exercising, I had exercised myself almost to death. I remember wanting to die as I laid there, it was so painful, so humiliating, so...awful. I now understand the significance of blood pressure that low, and how awful it feels... But all I had wanted was the old body I had once had...that's all I still want...I still want to be small enough, to be pretty enough to be a dancer. To be able to fly.. Well there's a lot more to my life but dancing was a huge part of it so here was my talk about part of my life, for now. -xoxox ToRi/Miley