Drama

That's the only title that would fit for this post.

So I've been doing the musical production of Cinderella for my school. Tonight just happened to be my last night so I got home from the cast party and stuff and the musical is over.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the people who made it horrible. Who made me question myself and made me cry out of frustration, sadness, hopelessness etc.

I'll try to do this in increasing importance order.

So firstly, there was the costume crew (they got better but the first night-sucked). Okay, so I have to be a mouse who turns into a horse and then have like a ten second costume change before I come on as a ballroom dancer. Well, the first night I came rushing into the room, this is a tiny room we're talking about with literally ten costume crew people standing there with our dresses. I hear the other three girl's names called and I ask, "What about me?" And no one says anything, apparently they FORGOT I existed. So I had to get my dress myself (couldn't move well because there were three extra girls just standing there) put it on myself, and I got out of there before anyone else. Keep in mind, I'm a dancer, I have been for thirteen years, I know how to quick change. But I was insulted. They remembered everyone else other than me. And I wasn't going to just take that, not anymore. I'm not a doormat anymore. So after the ball was over and the clock struck midnight and the curtains closed, I went back to the dressing room to change into my townspeople outfits. I didn't say anything but by my actions they could tell I was pissed.

Them: "Why are you upset?'

Me: "I don't know for being forgotten maybe?"

Them: "It won't happen again."

Me: *Looks around the room at the five of them just sitting there* "And why are there so many people in here? It takes up valuable room."

Them: "Look Tori, we need two people for each quick change."

Me: "We aren't statues. We can do some things ourselves, therefore, we don't."

The next day there was less people in there and it worked. They apologized to me because I was right, and I apologized to them because I was rude. End of story, I don't have a problem with them but I was just sharing with you.

Now this is the real reasonf or this post. See, our musicals have always been in the fall and maybe in the winter too with a straight play in the spring. Well every year for either the winter musical or the winter play, our director announces next year's productions in the program. Well a program happened to catch my eye yesterday and so I saw that he had changed the musical to the spring.

I wanted to scream.

I participate in lacrosse during the spring.

Well, my mom saw the program that night too and asked my director why he did it? And he basically said for a change to gain and lose people. I suppose I'm worth losing then.

Well, then today for our first performance he saw me in his office when I was asking for a band aid for a blister. And he told me about my mom being upset. And I told him I knew this. He told me that just because it was in the spring not to think they couldn't work around my schedule. So I was confused at this point. He continued to say he could make there be evening practices and I guess I let some of my hope rise back up again, and then he continued on saying that then of course I would have to be a dancer again.

Don't get me wrong. I love dancing with a passion. But dancing has consumed thirteen years of my life. When I came to high school I told myself I was going to do something different and tried out for the musical. I've made it every year but I'm always every dancing role. I'm truly honored and I have treasured each moment as a dancer-but I really want my time to shine. My time for everyone to see me, to remember my name, my lines, my song, I want people to come looking for me after I have my own private bow and remember my characters as well as my own name. I want the glory I haven't had. And next year is my senior year-I had thought that all of my years here would be worthwhile in my senior year, and I realized from what my director said that I was never going to be anything other than a dancer in his eyes. So I told him I just wanted to get through this year and left crying thinking that Cinderella was suddenly and unexpectedly my last musical...and the bitter thought of no one ever remembering me...

Well then later, when I returned for the second show, Shelby (a friend) walked up to me and asked me if I had talked with our director. I told her I had earlier and she told me I should talk with him more about it, because he had told her that he would "move mountains" for me to be in it. He had told me that as well. But all I could think was, "If you can move a mountain for me, then move the musical back to the fall..."

Suddenly I'm important to him.

I tried not to think about what my director had said and instea got ready to start getting dressed or hanging out with people when my music director came and asked if I was Junior. I said yes and she clapped her hands together with glee telling me how much she looked forward to working with me next year. And I told her that probably wasn't going to happen. She asked why. And I told her that lacrosse was in the spring and now that the director had moved the musical to the spring I couldn't be a part of it. She seemed upset.

Then I went and sat on the stage with a circle of cast members. My director came out and told one of them a note on something to improve then told me that he and I needed to talk more before he sat down next to me.

Time to talk I guess...?

He told me that I had compeltely misunderstood what he had said the other day. And that he had meant to say he would work around my schedule.

I finally had the guts to tell him in words and in person, that I didn't want to be just a dancer my senior year. That my entire life I have been a dancer and that part of the reason I had joined theater was to do something different. And that I had enjoyed my time dancing but I had wanted something more too. He told me he understood and also told me that he knew he had been using me as a dancer for some time now. He then continued to tell me that I wasn't wrong in thinking that and that I was a jack of all trades to him. That I could not only dance, but also sing and act. At this point the dancing director came on stage and listened for a few before asking if I was a junior and celebrating when I said yes.

I continued to tell my director that I couldn't ever shine like have lines or a song if I couldn't come to daily practices. Apparently that's not true. He told me he would make evening practices for me and also that there are a ton of female characters in the Pajama Game who had lines and singing parts (I don't know if this is true or not). Of course by that point I was crying. And I told him I had been upset because I had thought this was going to be my last musical and was still unsure. Then he told me he wasn't willing to let me go until I walked down the aisle with a cap and gown to receive my high school diploma.

I'm so touched. But then I just keep thinking of things he said. How blocking could be afterschool and dancing could be in the evening. Yet again, I'm stuck in the dancer mode...maybe he doesn't understand that that's what I want to avoid for once. I want to be someone blocked with lines and a name. Someone who's character is remembered and who everyone is searching for after bows. I've tried to explain that to him-that on my senior year I want to be remembered and he seems to understand.

Why am I suddenly so worthwhile and valuable to him? He's not talking to anyone else the way he is to me. And my music/dancing/regular directors all suddenly seem convinced that I'm like a rising star necessary for the musical. It's just shocking when for three years you've been the nameless smiling forgettable chorus girl in the background, in the shadow of someone with a name.

I don't know what to think anymore..

My dance director keeps telling me how proud she is of me. I don't know why they suddenly want me. I haven't gotten that feeling for three years. I've gotten the feeling that I was just a dancer in their eyes. Although my director today told me (and my cast members who were watching me bawl) that he didn't look at me just as a dancer.

He told me to be more concerned with my schedule and whether or not I thought I could do it rather than worried about not being considered for a larger part.

Saying one thing, and doing another...actions speak louder than words.

I'm not sure if he's saying this because he still wants my dancing skills or if he's saying it because he actually means it.

I never knew it would mean so much to me to be in the spotlight and remembered. Maybe it's because you see everyone walking searching for "Cinderella" their eyes tracing over the random dancer girl, maybe occasionally getting a standard good job.

I've paid my dues, I've been obedient and given it my all. I want my chance now...

I just wish he would move it to the fall...that would fix everything for me...
Sorry for this stupid post.
-xoxox ToRi/Miley